


Supernova (or the 17 billionth time that Harley roped Ivy into a ridiculous plan)

by llamaduck



Category: Harley Quinn (Cartoon 2019), Harley Quinn (Comics), Harlivy - Fandom, Poison Ivy (Comics)
Genre: E rating not earned until much later, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Frank is... frank, Friends to Lovers, Harleen is a buzzkill, Harley likes to PUNtificate, I can't help it I'm a damn smut tease I guess, Ivy's plants are nosy af, Joker sucks, Kite man is a bro, Pamela Isley & Harleen Quinzel - Freeform, Tiny Angst, Unrequited Love, and i do what i want, and if you think you're mad about it, and use the most ridiculous malaphors I can think of, bc i think it's funny, bc i'm a fuckin' sap, but not really, fake dating au, fight me, fuck that guy, it's light and breezy, jk don't im smol, just a little bit, just think how harley feels, kind of, sprinkle it on top for flavor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:55:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28941828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llamaduck/pseuds/llamaduck
Summary: “Come on Red, ya gotta help me out here.” Ivy sighed tapping her pen on her notebook as Harley explained her newest harebrained idea to her.“Harley, I just don’t understand how this plan is supposed to work.” Harley hopped off the kitchen counter to go sit next to Ivy on the sofa.“It’s easy Red, alls ya gotta do is pretend ta be my girlfriend for a coupla months, then I’ll get Joker outta my system an’ be A-OK.” Ivy furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.________Harley convinces Ivy to take part in a fake dating plan to get over Joker. We all know how this ends don't we?I have 12 out of the 15 chapters already written, but if you followed along on the last fic I posted you know that means absolutely nothing lol.
Relationships: Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy, Harlivy, Pamela Isley & Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel, Parsley/Bay Leaf, Peanut/Bagel bite
Comments: 104
Kudos: 277





	1. The Proposal

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of notes for this:  
> One: I have a shitty memory so when I started writing this I completely forgot the order of events in the TV show, soooo Harley and Ivy never got kicked out of Ivy's apartment, Harley is in the Legion of Doom, Harley didn't screw over crew/Ivy for Joker, and Ivy's apartment is tiny.... ssssh just go with it. 
> 
> Two: Kite man and Ivy never hooked up, Kite man is Ivy's homeboy, bc I actually liked his character on the show and I do what I want!
> 
> Three: If you read and liked Strawberry Letter 23... I've got some disappointing news for you, this is not that, like at all. This is meant to be light and cheery for the most part, there may be some angst sprinkled in but no where near the amount that was in that fic, sorry not sorry.
> 
> And last but certainly not least: I've kind of hit a wall with this one, which is actually why I'm posting it, when I was posting the previous fic all of your comments really helped me write more, I actually wrote two additional chapters because of the comments, not to mention just adding pages into previously written chapters bc of comments. So I'm hoping you guys will give me the inspirational boost I need to finish this up.... no pressure... lol

The Proposal

“Come on Red, ya gotta help me out here.” Ivy sighed tapping her pen on her notebook as Harley explained her newest harebrained idea to her.

“Harley, I just don’t understand how this plan is supposed to work.” Harley hopped off the kitchen counter and sat next to Ivy on the sofa.

“It’s easy Red, alls ya gotta do is pretend ta be my girlfriend for a coupla months, then I’ll get Joker outta my system an’ be A-OK.” Ivy furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

“That doesn’t explain why you need me to pretend to be your girlfriend.”

“’Cause Red, if ya pretend ta be my girlfriend then Joker won’t try an’ get me back.” Harley explained it as if it were the easiest concept in the world to understand and Ivy was lost.

“No offense Harley, but Joker doesn’t strike me as the type to give a shit about respecting other people’s relationships, why do you think he’d care if we were together? How is that going to make him leave you alone?”

“’Cause he’s scared of ya.” Ivy’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and soon after a smile fell onto her lips. Harley rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay, ya don’t gotta look so smug about it.”

“Wha-? I’m not... smug… I’m just… he’s scared of me?” Ivy couldn’t help the full grown grin on her lips and Harley shot her a look.

“Yeah well ya did almost rip his arms off.” Ivy’s grin disappeared as she remembered that incident.

Ivy knew that Joker abused Harley, she had seen the evidence of that too many times to count, and she had tried desperately to get the other woman to leave him, but for years nothing worked. (Until of course she bought 150 gallons of margarita mix.)

While Ivy was aware that this happened, she’d never personally seen it until that night. Harley had invited her over for poker night, which Ivy had only agreed to after incessant begging. Harley wanted Ivy and Joker to get along (“My best bud an’ my love bug gotta be pals!”), Ivy knew that no amount of poker games or false pleasantries would ever make her like Joker, but she went anyway, to make Harley happy. Harley had done something insignificant, she’d dropped the salsa she was carrying over to the table, and that had caused Joker to instantly, as if on instinct, slap her across the face.

Ivy too, as if on instinct, had shot out a throng of vines wrapping around each of his limbs pulling Joker straight into the air, the vines constricted and pulled so hard that several pops rang into the air as each of the joints in his limbs were dislocated instantly. Ivy would have killed him too, if it weren’t for Harley. Harley had pleaded with her to let him go, told her that he hadn’t meant it, that she was okay, the tears that ran down Harley’s face softened Ivy and she flung him to the ground in a heap.

Harley didn’t speak to her for several weeks after that.

“He deserved it, that stupid dickhead, as a matter of fact what he deserves is for me to actually rip his goddamn arms off.” Harley let Ivy’s anger settle for a moment before starting again.

“Right well, either way, that’s why he’s scared of ya. So will ya help me?” Ivy frowned, it still made no sense to her.

“Okay, I get that he’s scared of me, and that if he thinks we’re together he won’t try to get you back, but I still don’t get why we need to do this in the first place.”

“’Cause Ives, I wanna be done with him, I really do. But you know me, he smiles at me, sweet talks me, an’ I’m a goner. An’ with me bein’ in the Legion of Doom now, I’ll see him all the time. I don’t wanna go back to him Ives… but I need your help.” There was a hint of desperation in Harley’s tone, a feeling of hopelessness that beat against Ivy’s chest. Ivy sighed.

“Okay fine, but you’re making a giant donation to the deforestation fund and I swear to God if you grope me in public I’m kicking your ass.” Harley saluted Ivy.

“Yes Ma’am!” There was a pause and Ivy squinted at her as Harley tried to keep the grin from her face.

“What?”

“Does that mean I can grope ya in private?” Harley winked at Ivy and Ivy rolled her eyes.

“No, and we need to set up some ground rules if this is going to work.”

“You got it boss,” Harley pulled Ivy’s notebook from her hands and was seconds away from ripping a page out when Ivy shot her hand out and pulled it out of Harley’s hands.

“Absolutely not, this is an important notebook with notes on my ongoing experiments. Go grab the pad of paper from the kitchen if you need something to write on.” Harley whined.

“But it’s so far away!” Ivy rolled her eyes.

“Harley, my apartment is tiny, nothing is far away.” Harley pouted.

“But my legs are so much shorter than yours, it’d be so much quicker if you got it.” Ivy shrugged.

“Okay fine, we don’t need to make any ground rules, we just won’t do it at all.”

“Uuuugh, fine!” Harley got up and trudged over to the kitchen and pulled out the pad they used to write their grocery lists on before walking back and dramatically plopping back down on her seat as if she had just crossed the Sahara to find the pad of paper.

“Can I at least use your pen or is that part of some super important scientific research too?” Ivy pretended to consider it for a moment until Harley snatched it out of her hands. “Okay, first up, we need nicknames.”

“Harley you have a million nicknames for me already, why would we need more?” Harley scoffed.

“I do not! Name one!”

Ivy held up her hand ticking off a finger with every name she listed, “Okay well there’s Ives, Ive, Red, Pammy, Pam-a-lamb, Pam-a-licious, Pa-“ Harley waved her hands in defeat.

“Okay, okay, I get it, jeez Louise, but still those aren’t cute enough, we need couples nicknames.” Ivy rolled her eyes.

“Harley, I’ll pretend to be your girlfriend but under no circumstances will I pretend to be cute.”

“Aw that’s okay Pammy, ya don’t gotta pretend, ‘cause you’re cute as a button already.” Harley tapped Ivy’s nose with the pen for emphasis, and before Ivy could protest she continued. “What about somethin’ flowery? Cause ya got the whole plant thing goin’?”

“Ivy is already the name of a plant Harleen.” Harley waved a dismissive hand at that.

“Nah, what about honeysuckle? ‘Cause you can suckle my honey any time ya want.” Harley wiggled her eyebrows at that and Ivy groaned, she was going to regret agreeing to this arrangement.

“Yeah no, how about we stick to the nicknames we have and if we think of other ones that don’t make me want to vomit, then we can use those?”

“Fine, but you’re gonna agree to a new one, mark my words Isley!” Ivy sighed.

“Consider them marked. Now can we get on with it, this might surprise you, but I actually did not plan to spend my day coming up with a ridiculous plan with my best friend.”

“Shockin’.” Harley deadpanned and Ivy had to chuckle. “Okay, next up, kissin’. We gotta practice.”

“Harley we’re not in middle school, we don’t need to practice kissing.” Harley huffed.

“Of course we do Red! If we don’t it won’t look authentic, plus I love ya Pammy, but you’re awkward as hell, an’ if I lay one on ya for the first time in public you’re gonna blow our cover.” Ivy scowled at Harley.

“Okay first of all, I’m not awkward, I’m an introvert, there’s a fucking difference. Secondly, why are we kissing in public at all? I hate PDA.” Harley threw her hands up in the air.

“Ives if we don’t call each other cutesy nicknames an’ we don’t kiss in public then how in the hell are people supposta know we’re datin’?!”

“Uh… we can.. hold hands?” Ivy provided weakly and Harley shot her an incredulous look. “Okay fine, we can kiss in public, but I still don’t think we need to practice.”

“Okay fine, hows about we make a compromise? We won’t practice, but our first kiss gotta have a lotta witnesses.” Ivy raised her eyebrow at that.

“And how do you propose we do that? Randomly make out in the middle of downtown?”

“Naw, we’ll just do it at Riddler’s party in a coupla days. There’ll be enough villains there that word will definitely get to Joker even if he doesn’t show up, an’ we can get drunk, dance, an’ pretend like we were so overcome with passion that we just couldn’t help ourselves.” Ivy had to admit that it did provide the best cover, but still, making out in front of all of those jackasses at a party that she had fully intended on bailing on? That didn’t sound fun.

“I think I like the idea of making out downtown better.” Harley glared at her.

“You’re not takin’ this seriously!”

“It’s a hard thing to take seriously!” Harley threw the pen and pad down and stormed off. Ivy winced when she heard the bedroom door slam shut. Ivy hadn’t missed the look of hurt on Harley’s face before she walked away and Ivy sighed.

Ivy placed her own notebook down on the table before walking to their shared room. Ivy hadn’t been kidding when she said her apartment was tiny, well actually it wasn’t, but she had long ago converted the second bedroom into a lab and the living room into a makeshift greenhouse, so the actual living space of the apartment was tiny.

Then when Ivy and Harley finally escaped after spending a whole year in Arkham they had decided that sharing the bed was the best option, after a year of lumpy Arkham mattresses neither woman wanted to crash on the sofa. It was a tight fit and their lifestyles didn’t always complement each other, but Ivy loved Harley and she would never have suggested she stay somewhere else. Even if it meant that now she had to knock on the door of her own bedroom to gain entrance.

Ivy rapped on the door lightly, “Harls, I’m coming in.” Ivy waited a few moments and when she heard no protest from the other woman she walked inside. Harley was curled up on their bed soft sniffles escaping from her. Ivy felt instantly guilty. Ivy sat on the bed next to Harley and stroked her back gently. “Harley, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I don’t wanna go back.” Harley’s voice was a soft whisper.

“I know you don’t sweetheart, and you don’t have to, not ever. You can live here with me until we’re old cat ladies.” Harley chuckled a little and Ivy felt a little bit of relief at that.

“Why don’t ya wanna help me Ives?” Ivy sighed, she did want to help Harley more than anything.

She had wanted to get Harley out of that clown’s grasp for years, but this particular plan? It was hard for Ivy, it was hard because Ivy had feelings for Harley, real feelings. She had for a very long time now, she knew Harley didn’t return them, and she accepted that, but this? Kissing Harley? Pretending that they were dating? And for a couple of months no less? It would absolutely wreck Ivy to have a taste of something she could never have, to have to pretend like none of it mattered to her, to watch Harley go off with someone new at the end of their façade.

“I do want to help you Harls, it’s just…”

“Ya don’t wanna kiss me.” Ivy smiled wryly at the irony of the situation. She did want to kiss Harley, but she didn’t want it to be part of some elaborate scheme.

“No, it’s not that it’s just…” Ivy had no idea what to say, how to complete that sentence without revealing her real reason for hesitation.

“Is it ‘cause ya think I’m ugly?” Harley’s voice was watery with tears and Ivy felt her heart wrench.

“No, of course not. I don’t think you’re ugly. You’re fucking gorgeous Harls.” Harley scoffed

“Yeah gorgeous for an acid washed train wreck.”

Ivy had enough. She could tolerate a lot of undesirable behavior from Harley, but she absolutely would not listen to her speak poorly of herself. Ivy grabbed Harley and pushed her so she was lying flat on the bed and Ivy climbed on top of her pinning her legs down with her weight. Harley shot her a questioning look but said nothing.

“You, will not under any circumstances come into my home and lie to my face Harleen.”

“Wha-“

“You are the single most beautiful woman in Gotham, and yes, before you ask, I’m including Wonder Woman, fuck that bitch, she’s got nothing on Harley Quinn.” Harley chuckled.

“Okay, thanks Red.” Ivy shook her head.

“Nope, you’re going to admit to me that you’re the most stunning woman in the world right this instant or I’m not getting off of you.”

“I thought ya said in Gotham.” Ivy waved her hand dismissively.

“I changed my mind, now go.” Harley rolled her eyes but there was a soft smile on her face.

“Fine, I’m the most stunnin’ woman in the world, now wouldja get offa me?” Ivy shook her head.

“Not until you forgive me for being a jackass earlier. I really do want to help you Harley, I’m sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t. It’s just the whole public thing… it’s hard for me, but I’m going to do it, because you’re my best friend and I love you. And you know what else?” Harley shook her head.

“I want to do it because I get to make out with Harley Quinn, who, I’m not sure if you’ve heard, is the most dazzling woman in the entire universe.” Harley’s smile was full blown at this point and she sat up wrapping her arms around Ivy’s neck in a tight embrace.

“Thanks Pammy, that’s real sweet of ya to say. An’ I forgive ya.” Ivy hugged her back.

“Well good, cause it would’ve been real awkward to try to make out with you if you were still mad at me.” Harley shook with laughter against Ivy and Ivy smiled. This was going to be hell for her, but it would keep Harley away from Joker and safe from harm, which meant that it was worth it.


	2. The Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Hope everyone's week went well. Here's the second chapter, only one note really, this chapter is very dialogue heavy and I didn't put that many dialogue tags. I'm hoping this isn't confusing for people as they read it, I felt like since Ivy and Harley have such different dialogue styles it wouldn't be, but if you guys are really confused I can throw some more in there, just let me know.

The Rules

“Okay, so we can’t tell the crew that we’re fakin’, I love ‘em but Clayface’s got a big mouth, King Shark can’t lie for shit an’ Psycho… well he’s just a dickhead.” Harley watched as Ivy bit her lip, looking a little guilty. “What?”

“Frank already knows.” Harley threw her hands up in the air.

“What the fuck Ivy?! I JUST told ya bout this an hour ago! Did ya just fuckin’ text him immediately about it?” Ivy pointed an accusing finger at her.

“It’s not my fault! You’re the one who decided to tell me in our living room that’s covered in plants. They fucking talk to each other, so that’s on you.” Harley sighed.

“Fine, I’ll talk to Frank, but he better not rat us out.” Ivy nodded.

“Yeah you should definitely talk to him… I’ll just shoot him a text just to be on the safe side.” Harley watched as Ivy tapped away at her cellphone. Why did her plants have to be such nosy sons of bitches? “Okay, it’s all good, he told the whole greenhouse about it, but that’s okay.” Harley rolled her eyes.

“Alright fine, next up, PDA,” Ivy grimaced, “look I know it’s not your style, but it is mine an’ if we don’t do enough of it people are gonna get suspicious.” Ivy nodded.

“Okay that makes sense, but can we have a clear set of do’s and don’ts please?”

Harley chuckled, Ivy was honestly her opposite in so many ways, while Harley had no problem with shoving her tongue down someone else’s throat in public, Ivy would probably blush if they held hands for too long. How they remained friends for all these years was nothing short of a miracle. Harley supposed it had to do with the whole opposites attracting thing, or maybe it was just because they balanced each other out, but most probably it was because despite all their differences there was no one Harley had more fun with than Pamela Isley.

“Okay, what’re ya thinkin’ Pammy?”

“I don’t know, like maybe a limit on the number of kisses we have in public? In front of the crew, I don’t really care, but you know…” Ivy trailed off and Harley smiled softly.

For all of Ivy’s power and experience (hell she kissed people to poison them), for all of her confidence and ambition, Ivy was still just the same little wallflower that Harley had gotten to know years ago. Of course then she had been Dr. Harleen Quinzel, and Ivy had probably revealed more to her simply because she was a medical professional. If they had met under different circumstances Harley might think of Ivy the same way as all the other people in Gotham thought of her, a brooding ruthless killer. Save for Frank no one really knew about Ivy’s awkwardness except Harley.

“You got it babe, what about 20?” Ivy balked.

“What?!” Harley had to stifle a laugh, she’d thrown out a high number just to freak Ivy out, and it worked.

“What? Sometimes we go on heists that last for hours, it would be weird if we didn’t kiss a lot, I mean how else are we supposta pass the time?”

“Okay first, we don’t go on heists together, you go on heists and then I come and save your ass when you almost die. Secondly if in the event that we were to go on a heist together, we should probably spend the time planning for the heist so we don’t almost die.” Harley rolled her eyes, Ivy had no sense of adventure.

“Plannin’ is no fun Ives! Ya gotta take the bull by the nuts sometimes.”

“It’s horns Harley, and still, 20 is overkill. What about 3?” Harley scoffed.

“One, why would I grab a bull’s horns? That don’t make no kinda sense, he’d gore the shit outta me, if I got his nuts he ain’t doin’ nothin’! Two, are you tryin’ to lowball me here Ives?! 3? That’s nothin’! 15.”

“While that does make more sense, that’s just not how the saying goes Harley. 5.”

“Well fuck how the sayin’ goes, mine is betta anyways. 12.”

“Or you could just, you know use a different saying? 6.”

“Like what? 10.”

“I don’t know, YOLO? 7.”

“YOLO? Really? 7 an’ we get another 7 if we’re out for more than 3 hours.”

“I was just throwing it out there, no need to judge. 7 and we get another 3 if we’re out for more than 3 hours.”

“Ya just quoted Drake, how could I not judge? 7 and we get another 5 if we’re out for more than 3 hours AND I get to sit on your lap whenever I want.”

“Okay, Drake was not the first person to ever say ‘you only live once,’ there’s literally a Latin version of it that’s been around since like 65 BC. 7 and we get another 5 if we’re out for more than three hours and you can sit on my lap only if it doesn’t hinder what I’m doing at the moment.”

“Okay fine you win.” Harley stuck out her hand for Ivy to shake and Ivy chuckled before shaking Harley’s hand.

“Write it down, I don’t want you conveniently forgetting.” Harley groaned, why did Ivy have to know her so well?

“Okay fine. What about hand holdin’ an’ kisses on the cheek an’ what not?” Ivy shrugged.

“I don’t care, as many as you want, just so long as it’s not obnoxious. Even if we are pretending I really don’t want to be one of those obnoxious overly cute couples that everyone hates.” Harley nodded in agreement, she hated those kinds of cutesy couples.

“Same. How about makin’ out? Ooh that rhymed.” Ivy raised an eyebrow at that.

“We just talked about kisses Harley, are you trying to sneak more in?” Harley chuckled.

“No, Ives kisses an’ makin’ out are different.” Ivy looked unconvinced.

“How exactly are they different?”

“Kissin’ is just kissin’, but makin’ out is **makin’ out**.”

“Ah yes, it’s all so clear to me now,” Ivy deadpanned and Harley chuckled.

“I dunno Ives, kissin’ just like lips, maybe some tongue action, a little nibblin’ if that’s what you’re into.” A soft blush colored Ivy’s cheeks and Harley made a mental note to nibble on Ivy’s lips a little when they kissed.

“But makin’ out is more than that, it’s like kissin’ an’ neckin’ an’ fondlin’ an’ cuddlin’ an’ grindin’, ya know the good stuff.” Ivy was blushing from her forehead down at that point and Harley bit her lip to keep from teasing the other woman. Normally she would have, but she needed Ivy in a good mood, so she repressed her instincts to tease.

“Right…well, we’re not doing that in public.” Harley sighed, she knew this was going to be a tough sell, but Harley truly was a make-out-with-my-partner-in-public-because-I-want-to-and-I-don’t-give-a-flying-fuck-who’s-watching kind of girl and Joker knew that, so she had to push her point if she wanted this to work.

“Come on Ives, we gotta, at least once in a while.” Ivy shook her head adamantly.

“No fucking way! That’s completely inappropriate behavior for public spaces Harleen!” Harley groaned.

“Come on I’m not talkin’ about makin’ out in the middle of the grocery store, obviously! I’m talkin’ about at clubs or at parties. Where it’s dark an’ everyone’s drunk an’ nobody thinks twice about a couple sittin’ in the corner feelin’ each other up. ” Ivy looked even more appalled at that but before Harley could feel offended by her facial expression Ivy spoke up.

“Hold on, I have to go to clubs and parties with you?! I thought Eddie’s party was just a one-time thing, you know I hate that kind of shit Harley. I’m more a well-lit bar on trivia night kind of girl.” Harley sighed, she knew that was true, and she wondered again how this woman was her best friend, and how she had convinced Harley to go trivia night on a near weekly basis.

Well actually, that wasn’t that much of a mystery, trivia was fun with Ivy because they were smart as shit and they won almost every time, and Ivy let Harley heckle the host as much as she wanted, AND Ivy let Harley name their team things like: Whiskey Quizness, or Ya made me Quiz my pants, or The Cunning Linguists, Or Harley’s personal favorite: We’re two hot chicks, buy us drinks. Really the only time Ivy had been pissed about a name choice was when Harley decided to name their team “Call for a good time,” then put Ivy’s cellphone number at the end. Ivy had gotten so many dick pics by the end of the night that she had to wake up early the next day to go get her number changed.

“Ives, as ya pointed out we don’t go on heists together, so when exactly are we supposta do all this kissin’ and hand holdin’ if we ain’t goin’ to clubs or parties? Ya wanna tongue me in the park?”

“Don’t say tongue you, that’s so crass, and no, you said we’d kiss at Eddie’s party, that’s how people are going to know we’re together.”

“Pammy ya know as well as I do one make out session is not gonna make people think we’re together, for god sake’s they thought Batwoman was straight until she went on Tawny and literally made out with her girlfriend in front of a live audience! An’ some people still call ‘em gal pals! Hell I saw an article the other day that said Batwoman was spotted with her ‘close friend’ walkin’ around Gotham.”

“Yeah I saw that too, fuck those people and their heteronormative bullshit, this is why I hate people Harls, they fucking suck.” Harley nodded.

“Yeah an’ ya know since we both been with guys before they’re gonna pull the whole they was just experimentin’ thing on us.” Ivy groaned.

“That’s fucking Bi-erasure! Just because I’ve been with a man doesn’t mean I’m not also attracted to women, being in a relationship with a man doesn’t make me straight, bisexuals exist! ” Harley grinned, getting Ivy all riled up meant that she’d probably give in just to spite everyone else.

“Exactly! So that’s why we gotta make out a bunch in clubs n’ shit, to show those motherfuckers that we’re badass bisexual ladies and they can suck it!”

“Yeah!” Ivy high fived Harley and Harley had to fight to keep the shit eating grin off of her face, man could she play Ivy like a fiddle.

“Great, so we’ll make out in a club or a party at least 3 times a week.”

“Wait… what?”

“What? Ya think it should be more? You’re probably right, those people are gonna need some convincin’ 5 times a week it is.”

“Wait what?!”

“I mean we can take it up to every day, but I figured we’d need some time off for our heists, but hey, if you’re that dedicated, then I’m down. 7 times a week!”

“What the fuck?! No, are you insane?! I can’t go to a club or party 7 days a week, I’ll fucking lose my shit. Harley I will murder people, and not just the ones I normally murder, like extra people, a lot of extra people.”

“I mean, yeah I am insane, but okay fine, we won’t go to a club 7 days a week, we can keep it at 5.”

“Absolutely not, you’ll be lucky if you get me to go once a week.”

“Once a week? Come on, three times a week.”

“No, once a week, and maybe MAYBE an extra time when we have something to celebrate.” Harley honestly thought she’d have to settle for once a month, so she’d absolutely take it, but she had to give Ivy a little bit of a hard time.

“Okay fine, once a week, and whenever we celebrate somethin’, but ya also have to grab my ass in public once in a while.” Ivy’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head and Harley had to turn towards the kitchen to hide her silent chuckle. She walked to the fridge and to tease Ivy even more she bent down to look inside for a ridiculously long time.

“Why would I grab your ass in public, and Jesus Christ what the fuck are you looking for in there?” Harley grabbed a can of soda and closed the refrigerator before turning and showing it to Ivy.

“You’d grab my ass in public cause I got a nice fuckin’ can Ivy, an’ if you’re my girl ya gotta show some appreciation.” Harley calmly took a sip of soda as Ivy glared at her.

“Look your nice can aside, I’m not grabbing your ass in public. It’s... it’s disrespectful.” Harley rolled her eyes.

“Okay fine, no public ass grabbin’. Why ya gotta be so damn chivalrous?” It was Ivy’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Oh sorry for respecting you as a person instead of treating you like a piece of meat Harley. How horrible of me.” Harley shrugged before walking over and plopping down next to Ivy on the sofa.

“It’s okay Red, I forgive ya. Now what about social media?” Ivy furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

“Harls we already post selfies with each other all the time, what more do we need to do?”

“Well first off, captions, ya can’t keep writin’ ‘hangin’ out with my favorite crazy bitch,’ on your posts.”

“But you are my favorite crazy bitch.” Harley smiled at that, she loved being Ivy’s favorite crazy bitch, but still that wasn’t romantic at all.

“An’ you’re mine, but that’s not romantic, ya gotta at least put a kissy face or a heart or some shit afterwards. An’ also we gotta post couply shit too, like date nights or somethin’.”

“Wait, I have to take you on dates too? Do I have to pay? Because honestly you have a giant duffle bag full of cash in our room and it seems unfair for me to have to pay.” Harley chuckled.

“Nah babe, I got ya covered, I’ll be your sugar mama. But if I’m payin’ I expect to see some cleavage when we go out.”

“Harley!” Ivy’s tone was scolding and Harley smirked in response.

“What?! Ya got great tits Red, honestly the only thing I liked about Arkham was them communal showers. Speakin’ a which that brings me to my next point: sex.” Ivy scowled at her.

“Okay, first you were looking at me in the showers?! What the fuck Harley? Also now I know you’re just fucking with me. But just in case you aren’t I’m going to make it very clear to you I absolutely will not post photos of us in sexual situations.” Harley laughed.

“That’s not what I meant Red, but honestly would it kill ya to tell people that I’m a good lay? One tweet, that’s all it takes, plus, I AM a good lay. An’ don’t act like ya never took a gander at my goods, I know ya did.” Harley winked at Ivy for emphasis and Ivy blushed.

“I’m happy that you’re so confident in your sexual prowess Harley, but no I will not tweet that you’re a good lay. And if I so happened to catch a glimpse of you it was accidental.”

“That’s lame, an’ call it what ya want babe, but I know ya got a look at the ladies.” Harley shook her shoulders for emphasis and Ivy rubbed a finger over her eyebrows in frustration. “Anyway, back to my point: sex. We should have it. Together.”

“Okay, ha ha, I get it just make Ivy uncomfortable even though she agreed to do this with you. Great Harls.”

“I’m serious Pammy, we should fuck.” Ivy stared at her for a moment.

“Okay, I honestly can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“I’m not! Come on Ives, we just spent a whole year in Arkham, are ya tellin’ me that you’re not horny as fuck?”

Ivy sputtered, “I... wh-… we-… for fucks sake, I’m not talking about this with you.”

Harley sighed, as much as she had been messing with Ivy earlier, her offer to have sex with her was genuine. Ivy was a beautiful woman, and Harley was horny as fuck, so you know, two birds one fucking stone. Heh, fucking stone. Plus if they were going to do this it meant that neither of them could have sex with anyone else for the next couple of months and Harley really wanted to have sex.

“Okay fine, but if we’re doin’ this we’re not gonna be able to have sex with anyone else for the next coupla months, so don’t get mad at me if I start humpin’ your leg while you’re sleepin’. An’ just so you know, the offer is on the table, you’re hot as fuck Ives, an’ like I said I’m a good lay.” Harley finished off with a wink and Ivy groaned.

“Look, I appreciate the sentiment… kind of, but all this that we’re doing? That’s going to be weird for our friendship as it is, if we add sex to it?” Ivy sighed, “Don’t be all smug about it but, I love you Harley, you’re my best friend, and I’d rather stay horny for a couple of months than ruin that.” Harley giggled and threw her arms around Ivy in a tight hug.

“Aww I love ya too Red, an’ okay, if ya think it’ll be weird then I won’t bring it up again, but seriously if ya change your mind, I’m down ta clown.” Ivy chuckled.

“Yes, you’ve made that abundantly clear Harley. I’ll keep it in mind. Now can we please move on? Is there anything else we need to talk about?” Harley pulled away and grabbed the pad of paper she’d been writing on.

“Nah, I don’t think so Ives, an’ I mean we can always add stuff when we need to.” Ivy nodded at that.

“Okay, yeah, then it looks like we have a deal Harley.” Ivy held out her hand and Harley took it and gave it a firm shake. This was gonna be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had way too much fun coming up with those trivia team names. And not for nothin' Harley's negotiation skills are on point lol. 
> 
> Another note, thanks to those of you who left comments and kudos on the last chapter, as predicted that little boost of dopamine was exactly what my adhd brain needed to jump start my writing again, finally finished a chapter that I'd been working on for months. So thanks again! Really!
> 
> As always thanks for reading, and stay well all.


	3. The Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, ok, ok, here's the thing I recently rewatched She-ra, and I got... feelings™. So many feelings, all of them to be exact, and maybe perhaps I channeled that into the edit I made of this chapter so.... yeah.... BUT what started as an angsty/feelings talk quickly changed to... well whatever the fuck happened here, so enjoy that I guess? You can have a little angst, as a treat. 
> 
> Secondly it's long, that edit I made added like 4? 5? pages, it's long bro, my bad.

The Party

“Okay, so remind me of the plan again?”

“It’s simple Ives, we’re gonna go to the party, mingle a little, drink a little, dance a little, have fun as usual and kiss, easy.”

Ivy worried her lip between her teeth as she listened. It seemed like a simple enough plan, but easy? No it didn’t seem easy at all. Ivy was currently wracking her brain on how she was supposed to kiss Harley without her finding out that Ivy had feelings for her. How could she possibly hide five years of pining from Harley, especially since she had to make the kiss seem real? Ivy had been waiting for so long for this moment, but in all of her fantasies she’d never imagined this scenario. She was pretty sure her heart was hammering so hard right now that she might actually go into cardiac arrest before the kiss even happened.

“Ives?” Ivy jerked her head up to meet Harley’s worried gaze in the mirror. “You’re freakin’ out.”

Ivy shook her head, “I am **not** freaking out.”

Harley pursed her lips, “yes ya are, ya only play with your ear when you’re freakin’ out about somethin’.”

Ivy ripped her hand away from her earlobe, she hadn’t even realized she’d been rolling it between her fingers. Damn it, this was exactly what Ivy was worried about, Harley knew her so well she’d surely be able to tell if Ivy was faking the kiss or not.

Ivy crossed her arms, pinning her hands firmly under her elbows, “I’m no-“

“Ives!”

Ivy sighed, “okay fine, I’m freaking out… but only a little.”

Harley seemed to consider this for a moment before nodding to herself and turning around to face Ivy, “look Pammy I know I kinda made ya feel like ya had to do this, but if ya really don’t want to I’m not gonna force ya.”

Ivy shook her head, no Harley hadn’t forced her hand, Ivy had agreed because she wanted more than anything to help Harley. “Harls, that’s not it, I-I just-“ Ivy let out a frustrated breath, how the hell was she supposed to explain herself?

“Hey, hey it’s okay Ives. I understand and I… well I can figure it out. I’m a smart cookie ya know? I can figure somethin’ out, ya don’t gotta worry about it. An’ anyways I mean this time… it-it's different…”

Ivy’s breath caught in her throat, how many times had she heard Harley utter those words before? _This time it’s different._ Hopeful words spoken through busted lips, through forced smiles, between wracking sobs. _This time it’s different._ With red-rimmed eyes staring up at her, bloodshot and bruised, melancholy and faltering. _This time it’s different._ Through wheezing breaths, with broken ribs and fractured confidence. _This time it’s different._ With apologetic smiles and weary waves, shame billowing off her with each step back to him. _I’ll be okay Ives, this time it’s different. This time **he’s** different._

Ivy felt a brand new wave of panic wash over her and this time it had absolutely nothing to do with kissing Harley. Ivy reached forward and pulled Harley into a tight embrace needing to feel the other woman close to her, needing to know she was there and safe. Harley returned the embrace, stroking Ivy’s back soothingly.

“You’re shiverin’ Pammy… I-I didn’t know how uncomfortable this made ya, I’m sorry Pammy, I wouldnta asked if I-“

“No, no, Harley no. I’m not… this isn’t,” Ivy let out a deep breath pulling back a little to meet Harley’s worried gaze. “I want to do this Harley, I’m sorry, I was being silly.”

Harley shook her head adamantly, “no Pammy, we ain’t doin’ it, like I said I can think of somethin’ else.”

Ivy held Harley’s eyes with her own, “Harley I want to do this. Really I do.”

Harley looked unconvinced, “oh yeah? Then why are ya shakin’ like a leaf right now?”

“Because I’m… I’m scared Harley.” Harley threw her hands up in the air, pulling away from Ivy as she did so.

“Ya see! Ya just admitted it, ya don’t wanna do this!” Harley pointed an accusatory finger at Ivy and Ivy scowled at her. Sure she was worried sick about Harley but no one liked being called a liar.

“I didn’t say that!”

“Well ya might as well of! We’re not doin’ it an’ that’s it!” Harley nodded resolutely and stalked out of the bathroom, Ivy hot on her heels.

“What?! You can’t just-“

“I can, an’ I’m gonna!” Harley plopped down on the sofa her arms crossed as she stared at Ivy with a defiant look on her face, daring her to object.

“Damn it Harley stop being stubborn, I just want to help you.”

“I’m bein’ stubborn?! Well ain’t that the pot callin’ the kettle hot.”

“It’s black Harley, and I’m not being stubborn, I never said I didn’t want to help you, you just jumped to conclusions.”

“Your pots are blue and your kettle is silver, so how does that make any kinda sense smart ass? An’ I didn’t jump to nothin’, I know ya an’ I know when you’re upset about somethin’ so don’t lie to me!”

“Oh my God, I’m not lying to you and if you would just listen to-”

“Listen to ya lie to me?!”

“For fucks sake Harley I’m not lying to you! Jesus will you just let me help you, you pigheaded dipshit?!”

“Oh so now I look like a pig?!”

“That’s not what that means!”

“Well what does it mean then?”

“It means that you’re a stubborn jackass.”

“Then why the fuck didn’t you just say that?”

Ivy opened her mouth to respond but stopped herself and took a deep calming breath first, “look Harls, I’m sorry for yelling and insulting you okay? I’m just frustrated because I really want to help you.”

“Well, I don’t want your damn help.”

Ivy narrowed her eyes at Harley, “listen here you little shit, I’m going to fucking kiss you at that god damned party and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

“Well then I ain’t goin’!” Harley stuck her tongue out at Ivy who scoffed in response.

“Fine then I’ll just kiss you the next time we go out.”

“Well then I won’t go out.”

Ivy rolled her eyes, “so you’re just never going to leave this apartment again?” 

“Nope, I’m gonna stay right here. What’re ya gonna do now smart guy?” Harley smirked at her and Ivy let out a growl of frustration, how was it possible that Ivy could love someone who pissed her off so damn much?

“I’m going to…. Uh… I’m going to kiss you right here!” Ivy lunged forward and Harley scrambled out of the way quickly.

“What?! Stop!” Ivy chased Harley through the living room as Harley pitched random objects at her. Ivy dodged the objects with ease and charged at Harley nearly catching her before Harley flipped out of the way and grabbed a potted plant holding it up threateningly at Ivy. “One step closer an’ the plant gets it!”

Ivy froze in her steps eyes widening, “you wouldn’t dare!”

“Try me!” Harley grasped one of the leaves between her fingers a menacing look on her face. Ivy’s eyes flitted between Harley and the plant in her hands. Ivy sent a silent apology to the spider plant who let out an alarmed shrill in response. Ivy ignored the plant’s indignation and inched forward.

Harley took a step back, “I ain’t bluffin’ Ives, I swear I’ll do it!”

“I don’t care Harley I’m going to help you!”

Ivy took another step forward and Harley stomped her foot her voice coming out in a childlike whine, “whyyyyyyy?!”

“Because you’re my best friend and I love you, you fucknut!”

“Well I love you too, ya daffadick!”

“Then just let me kiss you!”

“No!”

“Why the hell not?!”

“’Cause ya don’t want to!”

“Yes I do!”

“Then why are ya scared?!”

“Because I don’t want to lose you!” As soon as the words left her mouth Ivy remembered the gravity of the situation. This wasn’t like the dozens of other times she chased Harley around her apartment with a plate of vegetables trying to get her to eat something other than junk food. This was serious and she needed to help Harley. Harley for her part looked taken aback by Ivy’s words, she gingerly set down the plant she’d been holding hostage.

“Ives…” Ivy shook her head, she needed to get this out before she lost her nerve.

“Harley I really do want to help you. I swear that I do… do you know how,” Ivy’s voice wavered and she took a steadying breath before continuing, “every time you went back to him it killed me Harls. Every time he hurt you I-I felt so…so useless. Nothing I said or did ever made any difference and you never… god all those years Harley…”

Tears tracked down Ivy’s face and she swiped at them angrily, “I was so scared that one day you wouldn’t come back, that he’d go too far and… and I wouldn’t be able to save you. That I’d lose you forever and all because I couldn’t do what needed to be done.”

Harley stepped forward intertwining her fingers with Ivy’s and Ivy looked up to meet Harley’s eyes. “Pammy I’m sorry that I-… I wasn’t stronger. I knew you was hurtin’ every time I went back an’ I felt all torn up about it, but I just couldn’t help myself, I wasn’t ready Pam… but I am now. An’ look I know I said it before but I mean it this time, really I do, I don’t wanna go back to him. I mean, I ain’t never made a plan before right?”

Ivy nodded, it was true, Harley had said the words before but she’d never actually made a plan of action before.

“I know and that’s why I want to help Harley, I need to help, please.”

Harley bit her lip, clearly thinking over Ivy’s words. “I want your help Pammy but… ya said you were scared an’ you were shiverin’ an’ … I just can’t do that to ya, I don’t want ya to feel like that, I don’t wanna be the one that makes ya feel like that.”

Ivy shook her head, “Harley it’s not, I’m not scared of kissing you…” Well that was a damn lie. “Okay I am kind of scared of that, but it’s not… I mean it’s just…what if I screw it up? What if no one believes it? What if you hate it? What if you hate me?”

“Oh Pammy,” Harley pulled Ivy forward wrapping her in another embrace. “I could never hate ya, how could ya think I could ever hate ya?”

Ivy shrugged, because how could she answer that? She hadn’t even fully realized she felt that way until a moment ago, Ivy’s fear of rejection wasn’t borne of a fear of romantic rejection, sure that would hurt but that wasn’t it exactly. Somewhere deep down she was worried that Harley would reject her, not her love, but her; that Harley would be so repulsed by Ivy’s feelings that she’d run right back to him and never talk to Ivy again; that Ivy would lose her for good and that was something that Ivy couldn’t bear.

“I’m never gonna hate ya Pam, never ever. An’ as for me hatin’ it, that’s impossible. Have ya seen yourself Ives? There ain’t no way in hell I’m gonna hate lovin’ on ya, or kissin’ on ya or feelin’ ya up. You’re a hot hot hottie babe, I’m gonna enjoy the hell outta that.” Harley finished with an exaggerated wink and Ivy had to laugh.

“Okay fine, I was being silly I guess, I was just worried.”

“Nah, you’re right, it took me way too long to get to this point but I’m puttin’ in the work this time, I swear I am, an’ if all else fails I give you permission to tie me up in your greenhouse an’ force feed me tofu till I got that dickhead outta my system.”

“Don’t test me Harley I swear to God I’d do it.”

“Oh I know ya would, I can’t believe you were gonna let me tear that plant up just so you could kiss me. Ya know if ya wanted to kiss me that bad I told ya I would practice with ya.” Harley waggled her eyebrows at Ivy and Ivy pushed her away with a laugh.

“Yeah, no thanks Casanova. I’m pretty sure we’re going to get enough ‘practice’ in the next few months, I’m good. Also, if we’re going to make this party then we both need to fix our makeup, and I need to apologize to that spider plant. Like a lot.”

Harley spun on her heel and leaned towards the plant in question, “aw don’t be sore with Pammy, I wasn’t gonna do it I swear. I was just bluffin’, she knows I wouldn’t hurt none of her plants, especially one as pretty as you, don’t be mad at your mom.”

Ivy smiled as she listened to Harley coo softly at the plant. The plant’s demeanor went from irritated to reluctantly charmed in a matter of seconds, because no one was immune to Harley’s charisma, plants included.

* * *

Ivy twirled the liquid in her cup around, watching it slosh from side to side as she wondered why in the fuck she put herself in this situation. It was still early in the night and Ivy already wanted to murder at least 5 people, maybe 10, Harley was being her usual self, bouncing around, drinking a lot, and bragging about her latest caper to anyone who’d listen. They’d agreed that they would make out at this party, but after their discussion Harley had agreed to let Ivy get sufficiently drunk beforehand accepting the reasoning that it would make Ivy more relaxed and therefore be more believable that way.

Ivy for her part was actively trying to get drunk, after all making out with your best friend who you just so happened to be in love with but who was also oblivious to your feelings and just wanted to use you to get over her ex, was stressful. Ivy thought back, for like the millionth time since it happened, about Harley’s offer to have sex. While part of Ivy was completely one hundred percent down for that idea, another larger part of Ivy had felt hurt at the cavalier way Harley had offered it up. As if it meant nothing to her, which Ivy reasoned was probably true, still knowing the person you love felt the same way about having sex with you as they would about having sex with any other random person hurt.

Ivy sighed and downed the rest of her drink, looking over to the very crowded area where the alcohol was. Ivy took a deep breath meaning to head over there when she was intercepted by a familiar kite toting idiot. Ivy had met him a while back, and at the time Kite man’s offer to hook up sounded appealing, (Harley had been right Ivy was horny as fuck and Kite man wasn’t hideous), but she couldn’t do it. He was Kite man for god’s sake!

“Hey Babe, looks like I came just in time.” Kite man smiled as he offered up a cup to Ivy. Ivy looked at the drink and rolled her eyes.

“First, don’t call me babe. Second, do you honestly think that I’m going to take a drink from a random man I met at a party full of literal bad guys? Especially since that particular random guy also stole a vial of my pheromones and used it to drug children? Seriously?” Kite man winced.

“Right, sorry, good call. Can I at least accompany you to get refill?” Ivy was about to say no when she looked over at the somehow even more crowded area where the alcohol was. If this idiot wasn’t going to take a hint then at least Ivy could get some use out of him.

“Fine, but you’re just there to run interference, if anyone talks to me on the way over there, we are not talking ever again, deal?” Kite man nodded.

“No problem ba-ah-bay leaf.” Ivy chuckled, well if nothing else at least Kite man was an amusing idiot.

After walking to get a refill and back with no one being able to penetrate the wall of idiot that was Kite man, Ivy decided having him around wouldn’t be so bad after all. “Alrighty, now that you’re all nice and lubricated, hows about we-“

“Yeah, no I’m going to stop you right there. Lubricated? Seriously? No, also you and me? It’s not happening buddy.” Kite man deflated at that and Ivy genuinely felt a little bad for the guy, so she threw him a bone. “Look it’s nothing personal, I just have feelings for someone else.” Kite man looked mildly annoyed at that.

“Is it Condiment man? That guy is a tool,” Kite man looked around the party glaring probably looking for whoever the fuck Condiment man was.

“Who the fuck is Condiment man? You know what? Doesn’t matter, no it’s not him. It’s her.” Ivy pointed at Harley who was currently trying to use the weight of her entire body to win an arm wrestling match against King Shark. Kite man followed her line of sight and a silent oh formed on his lips.

“Okay, gotcha, loud and clear. My little Ivester likes the ladies, that’s okay, Kite man is the world’s best … wing man.” Kite man winked at Ivy while nudging her. “You get it? … ‘cause my powers are-“

“No, yes I got it, thank you and I don’t need a wing man, I just need to get drunk so I can forget about my stupid feelings for my best friend who doesn’t feel the same way, okay?”

Ivy figured there was no harm in telling him the truth, by the end of the night, he like everyone else would think that she and Harley had gotten together, so who cared what he knew now. And to his credit Kite man hadn’t said any of the things she had expected him to say, no ‘I can be the meat in your lady sandwich,’ no ‘You just need a real man to change your mind,’ and no ‘You’re too pretty to be gay,’ which honestly was a pretty fucking low bar to set but she’d heard it all so many times before that she was impressed by Kite man’s instant acceptance of the fact that she was into Harley. Plus, it wasn’t like Harley was going to talk to Kite man any time soon.

Kite man actually looked sympathetic at Ivy’s words and nodded. “No problemo, ‘cause Kite man is also a great drinking buddy!” Ivy chuckled, this idiot was starting to grow on her. “Let’s get you s’wasted!” At that Kite man was off and Ivy watched confusedly as he walked back over to the alcohol table, hadn’t she just said that she wasn’t going to take a drink from him? Ivy rolled her eyes and started drinking her drink.

“And I’m back ba-uh- bay leaf!” Ivy raised an eyebrow at him. “I brought Mr. Cuervo with me, and he’s all sealed up, brand new bottle.” Kite man handed her the bottle to inspect and it was true, the seal was unbroken, well shit, maybe there were perks to hanging out with Kite man.

“Good job, I’m going to go outside and grow some limes…” Ivy sighed at the puppy dog look on Kite man’s face, “Do you want to come with me?”

“Hell yeah!”

* * *

“So then, she came up with this dumbass idea,” Ivy hiccupped, “to fucking pretend to be girlfriends, which is fucked!” Kite man nodded along, sloshing his drink around as he gestured to Ivy.

“That’s majorly fucked! Why din’t- didn’t you say no?”

“’Cause I’m her best friend, you know?” Ivy pointed at herself and Kite man nodded as if she had said the most profound thing ever. “It would be fucked up for me to say no, when all she’s trying to do is stay away from her abusive ex.”

“Fuck that guy!” Kite man held his cup out and Ivy tapped hers against it enthusiastically.

“Yeah! Fuck that guy!” They both took a drink.

“You should just tell her.” Ivy’s head lolled to the side looking at Kite man curiously.

“Tell who?”

“Harsley, heh it sounds like parsley.”

Ivy laughed, “it does sound like parsley! How come I never noticed that before?”

Kite man tapped his temple twice as he spoke, “Kite man’s smart bay leaf!”

Ivy held her cup up again, “bay leaf!”

“Bay leaf!” Kite man echoed her and tapped her cup before they both took another drink. “Anyways, you should just tell parsley that you love her,” Kite man nodded to himself.

“I can’t tell parsley that I love her, ‘cause it’ll make everything weird, and it’ll fuck up her stupid ass plan to get away from her ex.”

At the mention of Joker Kite man held up his cup again, “fuck that guy!”

Ivy slammed her cup into his before agreeing, “yeah, fuck that guy!” They drank again and Ivy frowned at her empty cup. “ ‘s empty.” She shoved her empty cup at Kite man who looked over to the empty bottle of tequila next to him.

“Sorry bay leaf, no more Cuervo, I’m gonna go steal more.” Kite man went to stand up and Ivy stopped him, grabbing his face in her hands and speaking very seriously to him.

“Kipe man, kifemen, Kipemin, damn it, Chuck… heh… woodchuck…” Ivy shook herself and continued, “you’re a guy- I mean a good guy, yeah well you’re a bad guy, but a good guy, you know what I mean?” Kite man nodded, his eyes drooping low as he listened. “I like you, we should be friends!” Kite man perked up.

“Hell yeah!” Ivy dropped her hands from his face and gestured inside.

“K, now let’s go steal s’more al-col, alcohol.”

“Our first caper!”

“Alcohol caper!” Ivy raised her empty cup before remembering she had no drink to cheers with. “Fuck, we got- gotta get more.”

When the two ‘snuck’ back into the party (they didn’t sneak, they stumbled in, loudly.) Harley rushed to Ivy’s side.

“Heeey! It’s parsley!” Kite man tapped his cup to Harley’s as she looked at him completely unamused.

“What the fuck Ivy? I was lookin’ everywhere for ya.”

Ivy looked to Kite man and stage whispered, “uh-oh, parsley’s mad.”

Kite man nodded and stage whispered back, “ ‘s okay, I can fix it.” He turned to Harley and addressed her very seriously, “Parsley, don’t be mad at bay leaf she jus’ wants to kiss you.” Kite man hiccupped and Harley glared at Ivy.

“I tol’ him I wanna kiss you.” Ivy tried to wink at Harley but what she ended up doing was closing her eyes and then opening them again very slowly.

“You’re drunk.” Ivy nodded.

“Yep, and you’re hat…hot… you’re a hot hat!” Ivy started laughing hysterically and Harley rolled her eyes.

“Okay, we’re takin’ ya home now Ives.” Ivy stopped laughing and looked at Harley.

“But I wanna kiss you.” Ivy moved closer to Harley trying to cup her cheeks in her hands and Harley grabbed Ivy’s hands in her own, diverting her advances quickly and easily.

“Ivy you’re drunk, an’ we’re goin’ home.” Ivy frowned but nodded. Parsley was real mad.

* * *

Ivy woke up to the sound of a mug slamming down on her bedside table, she winced at the sound and slowly turned her head to see an angry looking Harley standing beside her.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I wake ya?” Harley picked up the mug and stormed out of the room. Ivy sighed rubbing her temples for a moment before getting out of bed, the sooner she dealt with this the better. Ivy walked out of her bedroom and poured herself a cup of coffee before sitting down next to Harley on the sofa.

“Soooo... you’re mad,” Harley shot her an annoyed look. “Right… so here’s the thing… I’m sorry?”

“YOU’RE SORRY?! THAT’S IT?!” Ivy winced at the volume of Harley’s voice.

“Okay okay, I’m very sorry. But also, I don’t get why you’re so mad, I did offer to kiss you at the party, you’re the one who said no.” Ivy pointed out and Harley glared at her. Wrong move.

“You don’t get why I’m mad?! Seriously Ives?! Ya spent the whole night doin’ god knows what with that kite fucker, then ya come back to the party wasted off your ass and just announce that ya wanna kiss me?!” Ivy had to acknowledge that it didn’t sound good when Harley said it out loud.

“Okay, I might’ve gotten a bit too drunk, but still isn’t that what you wanted? A drunken make out session in a public place?” Harley sighed.

“You were practically fallin’ over Ives, if I made out with ya like that people wouldn’ta thought we were a couple, they’da thought I was a pervert.”

“You are a pervert.” Harley glared at her again and Ivy sighed.

“Okay, look you’re right, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten that drunk, but in my defense you left me alone at a party, that’s like torture for me, I had to drink, and Chuck stole a bottle of tequila for me, what was I going to do, not drink it?”

“Chuck? So you’re on a first name basis with this guy now?” Ivy shrugged.

“He’s not that bad, oh and plus I told him I wanted to kiss you, that has to count for something, I bet he has a big mouth and he’ll tell all the villains he knows.” Ivy outwardly smiled at that, but made a mental note to text Chuck and threaten the shit out of him to make sure he didn’t spill Ivy’s secret.

“Oh great, all the D list villains will think ya have a crush on me, fantastic that was exactly what I was goin’ for, good job.” Harley’s tone was increasingly sarcastic and Ivy grimaced. “Why in the hell did you tell him that anyway?”

“He was hitting on me, and I figured if I told him that he’d stop.”

Harley arched an eyebrow, “An’ he didn’t immediately suggest a threesome?”

“Surprisingly, no, I was honestly shocked at how cool he was about it.” Harley looked surprised as well.

“Huh, I definitely wouldn’ta seen that comin’.” Ivy nodded.

“Right? Anyway, I really am sorry Harley, just tell me how to fix it.” Harley sighed.

“I’m sorry too, I know how ya get around crowds, I shouldn’ta just abandoned you like that.” Ivy shook her head.

“It’s okay, honestly hanging out with Chuck was kind of fun, though that’s probably because I was drunk as fuck, but you know.” Harley rolled her eyes at that.

“Yeah well now we gotta do damage control, ‘cause everyone just thinks ya got drunk an’ made a pass at me, so now people think it’s some unrequited love bullshit.” Ivy wanted to laugh or maybe yell, she wasn’t sure exactly because it **was** some unrequited love bullshit, the only one who didn’t see that at this point was Harley.

“So then we just show them it’s requited, no problem.”

“And how exactly do ya think we’re gonna do that?” Ivy blew out a breath.

“Group text?” Harley glared at her. “Okay, okay, okay, what about we go out on a date? Something fancy, we can go to that restaurant at the top of Wayne tower, there’s always paparazzi sneaking in, we get a romantic dinner, and boom tomorrow we’re on Tawny, my treat, what do you think?” Harley considered that for a moment.

“That might work, then when people ask about it I can just say we had a feelin’s talk an’ bumped uglies.” Ivy rolled her eyes.

“Very romantic Harls.”

Harley pointed a finger at her, “Oh ya don’t think I can be romantic? I’ll romance the shit outta ya Ives, you’ll see!” Ivy chuckled.

“I can’t wait…. So… are we good?” Harley kissed Ivy’s cheek.

“Yeah, ya know I can’t stay mad at ya Pammy.” That was one hundred percent untrue, Harley could hold a grudge like a motherfucker, but Ivy thought it best not to argue with that point.

“Good cause… I… I don’t like it when we fight.” Ivy said the last bit in a mumble and Harley beamed at her. “Oh shut up, don’t look at me like that.”

Harley held her hands up, “I didn’t say nothin’ … but I love ya too Ive!” Ivy rolled her eyes but couldn’t keep the smile off of her face.

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too, now can I please eat a gigantic breakfast and swallow a shit ton of pain killers? I’m soooo hung over.” Harley chuckled and gestured towards the kitchen.

“Go nuts Red.” Ivy walked over to the kitchen and once she was out of Harley’s line of sight she pulled out her phone.

Ivy: Chuck! Are you awake?! Shit man, I told you a lot of stuff I definitely should not have last night. You can’t fucking tell anyone!

Woodchuck: Yeah, no worries Bay leaf, your secret is safe with me.

Ivy: Seriously Chuck if you fucking tell anyone, I’m going to burn all your kites and cut your dick off.

Woodchuck: Yeesh, harsh, what did my kites do to you?

Ivy: Chuck!

Woodchuck: I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Ivy: Okay good… sorry for threatening to burn your kites.

Woodchuck: no problemo senorita, so ya wanna hang out with ole Chuck tonight? It’s karaoke night at Noonan’s

Ivy: Yeah no, karaoke sounds like the worse thing ever, also I can’t I’m going on a ‘date’ w/parsley tonight to make up for yesterday

Woodchuck: oof, well good luck, lmk when you want to hang out again

Ivy sighed a breath of relief as she shoved her phone back in her pocket, Chuck might’ve been an idiot, but there was no way he’d be brave enough to tell anyone about her secret now. He loved his fucking kites too much. Now all Ivy had to do was survive the next couple of months with her heart intact… she was absolutely fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed it, and on another non-fic related note the feels™ made me make a playlist on spotify for said feels, anyone know if there's a way to make that collaborative? and if so anyone want to add some sad songs to my playlist?
> 
> Also... daffadick 😂


	4. The Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey all, hope you're all doing well. 
> 
> One note before reading: The text that is both bold and in italics is Harleen talking. 
> 
> Also, also also, also DC's love is a battlefield?! Have you guys read it?! Fuckin' wrecked me, and you need to read it immediately lol. 
> 
> If you haven't read it yet, and you're like me and you're too impatient to wait for your comic book delivery: https://readcomiconline.to/Comic/DC-Love-Is-A-Battlefield/Full?id=181641#35 
> 
> check it out and feel all the feelings.

The Date

Harley fluffed her hair as she looked at herself in the full length mirror in Ivy’s room. She had convinced Ivy to get dressed in another room, insisting that she wanted her dress to be a surprise, Ivy had rolled her eyes but agreed nonetheless. Harley assumed the reason that Ivy didn’t put up more of a fight was because she still felt a little guilty about last night. While Harley had not been pleased when Ivy came crashing into the party drunk off her ass and hanging out with that kite fucker, Harley couldn’t really hold it against her.

Harley knew that this whole fake dating thing was hard for Ivy, Ivy was a private person and putting herself in the spotlight, with a romantic interest no less? That was difficult for her, aside from that Ivy had been right that Harley had sort of abandoned her when they got to the party. But in Harley’s defense, she was a little bit nervous about the whole thing too, she talked a big game, but the idea of making out with Ivy in front of all those people? And after that serious conversation they’d had before the party? That had made Harley a little more than flustered, especially since it would be the first time she kissed the other woman.

 ** _It wouldn’t be the first time you thought about it though._** Harley groaned. “What the fuck are you doin’ here?” The bespectacled blonde staring back at her from the mirror sighed.

 ** _I’m here, because you’re making a really bad decision and I want to stop you._** Harley frowned at that, looking down at her dress. “What? It’s a brand new customized dress, what’s wrong with it?”

 ** _Not the dress idiot, it looks great by the way, the date._** “What because it’s in Wayne Tower? Yeah, the food’s probably gonna be overpriced shit, but it’s the fanciest restaurant in town an’ anyways Ivy’s payin’.”

Harleen massaged her forehead in frustration before answering Harley. **_That’s not what I meant, the date is a bad idea because it’s with Ivy, this whole thing is a bad idea because it’s with Ivy!_** Harley glared at the woman, “an’ what the hell is wrong with Ivy? Ya think you’re betta than her or somethin’?! She’s a classy lady! An’ a fuckin’ hottie too, fuck off doc!”

 ** _Oh for Christ’s sake, first lower your damn voice, Ivy’s only a couple of rooms over do you really want her hearing you shout about her right now? Also, that’s not what I fucking meant! I meant it’s a bad idea because of your feelings for Ivy._** Harley looked confused, “What feelin’s?”

 ** _Who’s the person you love most in the world?_** Harley felt like it was a trick question, “Frankie Muniz?”

 ** _No clown for brains, it’s Ivy._** Harley nodded, “Ya see I thought that was the answer but I thought ya were pullin’ a fast one on me. An’ what does that gotta do with anythin’ anyhow?”

 ** _Okay, Ivy is your favorite person, the person who knows you the best, right?_** Harley nodded, “Yeah…”

 ** _Right, now your plan means that you’re going to be kissing Ivy, going on dates with Ivy, holding hands, being couply, making out with Ivy, all of that stuff, right?_** Harley nodded again still not understanding where this was going, ”Yeah…”

 ** _So what happens when you combine your most emotionally intimate relationship with physical intimacy?_** “I get the best a both worlds?”

 ** _No Harley, what you’ll get are romantic feelings for Ivy._** Harley look unconvinced and Harleen tried again. **_You’ve had feelings for her in the past_**. Harley scoffed, “That was ages ago, an’ anyways that was you not me.”

 ** _I am you Harley and if it happened once it could happen again._** “You an’ me are real different doc, an’ besides would it be so bad to have romantic feelin’s for Ivy? She’s great, an’ if you woulda made a move back then maybe I wouldn’ta had to deal with that jackass for so long.” Harley pointed an accusatory finger at her reflection.

**_Okay, that’s fair, I probably should have gone after Ivy instead of Joker, but I’ve apologized for that, there’s no need to keep bringing it up Harley. But my point still stands, your relationship with Ivy is more complicated now, you’re friends, best friends, if you have romantic feelings for Ivy that could mess everything up. Plus the last time you fell in love with someone you jumped into a giant vat of acid, I’d like not to repeat that._ **

“You jumped into the vat, not me! An’ anyway Ivy wouldn’t do nothin’ like that to us an’ ain’t nothin’ gonna come between me an’ Ivy bein’ best pals, we’re solid. So I’m goin’ on this damn date, an’ I’m gonna make out with my hot best friend an’ you can either enjoy it or suck it, choice is yours doc.”

Harleen looked like she was going to argue, but Harley snatched her purse from the bedside table and stormed out of the room, mumbling to herself. “Stupid reflection, thinkin’ she knows everythin’.” Harley marched over to the greenhouse where Ivy was meant to be changing and called out to the other woman. “Hey Ives, ya decent?” Harley waited but there was no response. “Ives?” She was about to walk further into the room when she heard a knock on the apartment door.

Harley rolled her eyes if this was another exploding goon from Joker she was going to murder him, this was a brand new goddamn dress. The knocking grew louder and she pulled the door open, “Hold your goddamn horses will ya, I-“ Harley’s words stopped short when she took in the woman standing in front of her.

Ivy was dressed in a dark green dress that hugged her curves oh so perfectly, she had a plunging neckline and a slit that revealed her strong green legs, the dress was… well, think Jessica Rabbit, but green. Except Jessica Rabbit was a troll compared to Pamela Isley and Harley had to stop herself from staring too long. When Harley finally dragged her eyes back to Ivy’s face there was a look of mild concern in her eyes.

Harley blinked, “Sorry, didja say somethin’ Ives? I got distracted, ‘cause holy shit you’re fuckin’ hot.” Ivy let out a surprised laugh at Harley’s words and Harley smiled brightly at her.

“Thank you Harls, and yeah what I said was here I got you these.” Ivy shoved a box towards Harley, Harley looked at it curiously before taking it and opening it up.

“Aww Ives, ya got me chocolates for our date? That’s so romantic!” Ivy blushed and nodded.

“Yeah well, I figured I should make it as authentic as possible, also you know… as an apology for...” Ivy gestured vaguely and Harley wrapped her arms around Ivy’s neck planting a wet kiss on her cheek before pulling back.

“This is real sweet Ives, ya didn’t hafta, an’ I told ya I’m not mad anymore, it’s okay babe.”

Ivy smiled and held out her arm to Harley, “Okay well, are you ready to go?” Harley nodded before placing the box of chocolates on the kitchen counter and looping her arm through Ivy’s.

“Yep, let’s go rock the shit outta this date!”

* * *

Harley held out her empty wine glass, “Garçon, refill!”

Ivy rolled her eyes, “Garçon means boy.” The waiter came over to the table but before he refilled Harley’s wine glass Ivy intercepted. “Just bring us a bottle of Jean-Luc shiraz, 2015 if you have it, thanks.” The man nodded and walked away.

“Okay first, orderin’ a bottle of wine for the table? Classy move Red. Second, I can’t tell if you’re actually correctin’ me on the French or if you’re quotin’ Pulp Fiction.” Ivy chuckled.

“A little of both, and I told you I wanted to make this date as authentic as possible. Speaking of which…” Ivy leaned a little closer her eyes darting around to make sure no one else was listening. “Are we supposed to kiss here or like on the way out? There’s a candle between us and I don’t really want to set my hair on fire.” Harley chuckled.

“No worries, we can do it on the way out, now you can just relax an’ have dinner.” As Harley said the words she brought her leg up to caress against Ivy’s under the table, Ivy jerked in response scowling at Harley.

“Damn it Harls, give me some warning at least.” Harley winked at her.

“Sorry babe, you’re just so hot I couldn’t resist.” Before Ivy could respond the waiter came back over to the table with the bottle of wine presenting the bottle to Ivy who nodded in response.

Harley watched as Ivy went through the whole process of sniffing and tasting the wine, wondering if that was something they taught at the country clubs that Ivy grew up around or if it just came naturally from watching so many other people do it. The waiter filled both of their glasses before placing the bottle on the table and walking away.

“Yunno, I think ya might be the classiest person I ever went on a date with Ives.” Ivy smiled at that.

“Thank you but, no offense Harls that doesn’t really surprise me... your taste is… unique.” Harley pointed a breadstick at her.

“You can just say shitty, an’ anyways, that’s not true, not always.” Ivy raised a disbelieving eyebrow at that.

“Okay, name one person you dated who wasn’t shitty.” Harley thought for a moment, coming up with nothing after a while, damn had she ever dated anyone decent?

“Okay, fine I ain’t never dated anyone who wasn’t shitty, but that don’t mean I wasn’t ever interested in someone who wasn’t shitty.”

“Right, like who?” Harley was about to say ‘like you,’ when she noticed a camera out of the corner of her eye. She had to be extra careful with what she said if there were reporters around and that was definitely a conversation for another time.

“Well now I don’t wanna tell ya, an’ anyways I might have shitty taste but so do you.”

Ivy scoffed, “What? Why? At least none of the people I dated tried to kill me.”

“Jason.”

Ivy scowled, “Okay so one of the people I dated tried to kill me. But that was a fluke, most of my exes were decent.”

Harley rolled her eyes, “if by decent ya mean borin’ then yeah, you’re right.”

“Just because they didn’t rob banks and blow people up doesn’t mean they were boring Harley.”

“No, they’re borin’ cause their idea of a good time was wine tastin’ an’ trivia nights.”

Ivy looked offended, “first of all, you come to trivia nights with me… and you said you had fun, do you not have fun? And secondly who was the one who planned a girl’s trip to Martha’s Vineyard again?”

“Okay fine, I do have fun on trivia nights, but that’s different ‘cause it’s you an’ me, an’ whenever it’s you an’ me I always have fun, don’t matta what we’re doin’. Like rememba that time we both got food poisonin’ an’ we spent the whole day watchin’ soap operas an’ runnin’ back n’ forth to the bathroom? That woulda sucked with anyone else, but with you? Funnest food poisonin’ I ever had.” Ivy tried to hide her smile at Harley’s words but Harley could see the corner of her mouth twitching.

“An’ as far as Martha’s Vineyard goes, I only planned that because I wanted to kidnap Martha Stewart an’ force her to teach me how to make her apple crumble.”

“Okay, I hate to break it to you Harls, but wanting to learn to bake from Martha Stewart is basic as fuck, and in no way any better than just wanting to get drunk at wine tastings. Also, why did you think she’d be there?”

“Martha’s apple crumble ain’t basic! Snoop dogg said it was the shizzle, an’ that makes it cool, plus kidnappin’ don’t forget the kidnappin’ part. An’ I thought that’s where she lived, I mean why else would it be called Martha’s Vineyard? I thought she owned it or somethin’.”

Ivy chuckled, “You thought she bought an island and named it after herself? And okay fine you win, you’re the most exciting person I’ve ever been on a date with, happy?”

Harley smiled brightly, “Hey, rich people do crazy shit, an’ also I didn’t know it was an island, it’s called Martha’s **Vineyard** , I just thought she wanted to make her own wine. An’ hell yeah I’m the most excitin’ person ya ever dated, an’ if ya play your cards right I can make your night a helluva lot more excitin’ later.” Harley winked and traced her fingers up Ivy’s arm seductively.

Ivy blushed and grabbed Harley’s hand stilling her fingers, “Right… okay… well…” Ivy cleared her throat and looked around the restaurant. “Where the hell is our food, I’m starving.”

Harley had been about to let Ivy change the subject, she really had, but how could she when Ivy gave her an opening like that? Really it was Ivy’s own fault.

“I got somethin’ for ya to eat right here baby.” Ivy turned back to face Harley at a breakneck speed her eyes nearly bulging out of her head and Harley had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. Ivy scowled at Harley’s amused expression, but her look turned challenging as she leaned a bit forward, dropping her voice to a husky tone before speaking.

“I was going to save that for desert, but if you want to head out now I don’t mind spoiling my appetite.” Harley groaned as she squeezed her thighs together.

“Oh fuck Ives, that’s hot.” Ivy leaned back a self-satisfied smile firmly fixed on her face and Harley chuckled. “You’re a fuckin’ asshole.”

Ivy laughed, “Yeah but you love me.”

Harley rolled her eyes but smiled at Ivy anyway, “Yeah I do babe.”

* * *

“Ugh! When is the pizza gettin’ here, I’m fuckin’ starvin’!” Ivy rolled her eyes at Harley.

“Yeah well maybe you wouldn’t be if you hadn’t reamed the waiter out when he brought us the food and got us kicked out of the restaurant.”

“Hey! It’s not my fuckin’ fault that fuckin’ Bruce Wayne thinks it’s okay to put three slices of meat on a plate an’ call it a steak. That was fuckin’ ridiculous Ives! An’ upside? Since they kicked us out we didn’t hafta pay for all that wine we drank.” Ivy chuckled and pulled off her heels.

“Yeah that is a nice perk, I bet that shit was expensive. Do you want to choose something to watch while I change out of this?” Harley frowned.

“Wait, you’re gonna change? But I like your dress, ya look hot as shit Ives.”

“Yeah Ivy, this looks a lot better than those frumpy outfits you usually wear.” Harley shot a glare at the potted plant.

“Fuck you Frank!”

“Yeah fuck you Frank, Ives always looks hot, she just looks special occasion hot right now.”

“Yeah! I always look hot!” Frank held up his vines in surrender.

“Okay fine, damn. All I’m sayin’ is maybe once in a while you could wear a fun hat or something, just to spice things up.” Ivy rolled her eyes in response.

“Whatever, just choose something while I change please?” Harley nodded and watched as Ivy turned and walked away, admiring the way the green fabric hugged the curve of her ass and the way the high slit revealed her smooth slender thighs. Frank cleared his throat and Harley snapped out of it.

“So this whole relationship thing is just pretend huh?” There was a disbelieving lilt to his voice that made Harley once again scowl at him.

“Yeah, it is.” Harley raised an eyebrow in challenge.

“Then why were you staring at her ass a second ago?”

Harley let out an exasperated sigh, “Because she’s fuckin’ hot, that’s why.” Why didn’t people understand that Harley could find Ivy incredibly hot, and fun, and smart, and charming, and fake date her without it being a big deal? It really wasn’t that hard of a concept to grasp, Ivy got it.

“So you’re fake dating your hot best friend?”

“Yeah, what’s your fuckin’ point Frank?”

“My fucking point is Ivy’s a fucking catch, and maybe you should think a little bit about whether or not this whole bullshit fake relationship rom-com scenario is going to fuck up everything that you have with her.”

Why did everyone keep saying that?! Harley was about to open her mouth to respond when Ivy walked back into the room clad in her tree-hugger pajamas.

Ivy plopped down next to her on the sofa, “All right so what did you guys decide?”

“We were trying to decide whether we wanted a happy ending or a tragedy.”

Harley glared at Frank, “Yeah ya know I was thinkin’ maybe we should watch a horror movie instead. I really like watchin’ people who don’t mind their own fuckin’ business gettin’ killed ya know?”

Ivy looked between Frank and Harley for a moment, “Yeah there’s a real weird energy coming from you two right now, so I’m going to go ahead and ignore that and put on a documentary.”

Harley and Frank stopped glaring at each other for a moment to groan in unison at Ivy’s choice.

“Hey fuck you guys, Sea of Shadows is an award winning documentary!”

In the end they watched a horror movie, because Harley pouted and Ivy couldn’t say no to Harley when she pouted.

* * *

“Ah! What was that sound?!” Harley nudged Ivy’s arm roughly as she scanned the dark room.

Ivy huffed, “For the thousandth time Harley, it was nothing, there was no sound. Now go the fuck to sleep.”

Harley whined, “But what if it’s a Zombie chicken Ives?!”

“For fuck’s sake, there is no such thing as zombie chickens, and even if there were, how the fuck would they get to my top floor apartment Harls?”

“They got wings don’t they?”

“Harley, chickens can’t fly higher than like… I don’t know 6 feet or something.”

“Well what if they took the elevator?”

Ivy pushed her face into her pillow and groaned before turning to Harley, “Harley honey, please just go the fuck to sleep.”

“I can’t Ives, alls I keep thinkin’ about is those zombie chickens peckin’ off my toes while I sleep. I need my toes Ives, I can’t balance without ‘em, an’ gymnastics is my whole thing!”

“I swear to god, next time we’re watching a fucking documentary and I don’t give a shit what you or Frank say.” Harley whined again and Ivy sighed. “Okay if I promise to protect you from any poultry like zombies will you please go to sleep?”

“Maybe… wouldja cuddle with me too?”

“No.”

“IIIIIVES!”

“Oh goddamn it, fine come here you brat.” Ivy grabbed Harley by the waist and roughly pulled her closer. Harley squeaked in response but happily settled against the taller woman a moment later.

“Thanks Pammy.” Ivy shook her head, but Harley could see the soft smile on her face and knew that Ivy wasn’t really upset.

“You’re welcome, now good night.”

“Night.” Harley snuggled against Ivy’s shoulder listening to the other woman’s breathing for a moment. But her thoughts started drifting, and she couldn’t help but replay the conversations she’d had with Frank and Harleen earlier in the day.

“Ives?”

“I’m going to fucking murder you.”

“Yeah, I know, but listen, I got a question for ya.”

“I don’t answer questions after midnight Harley, go to sleep.” Harley stayed quiet for a moment before she heard an exasperated sigh come from Ivy’s lips. “Okay, what’s your fucking question?”

Harley smiled brightly, “What’d ya think of Harleen?”

“Um… is this some weird way to fish for compliments or something? Because if it is then I think you’re amazing and wonderful and smart and funny and all of the greatest things in the world so please shut the fuck up so I can sleep.”

Harley giggled at Ivy’s response, “No silly I didn’t mean me, I meant **Harleen**.” Harley put emphasis on the name and Ivy pulled away from her to shoot her a confused look.

“Harls, sweetie, you know that’s your name right?”

“Actually, technically, it’s not. I got it changed.”

Ivy looked at her in disbelief, “You got your name legally changed from Harleen Quinzel to Harley Quinn?”

Harley felt herself get annoyed by Ivy’s tone, “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?! Harley’s a good fuckin’ name Red!”

“No, no, no it’s not that, I’m just surprised you did anything legally, it’s so… not like you.”

Harley laughed, “Yeah well, if it makes ya feel betta, I strapped a bomb to the judge while he signed the papers so I wouldn’t hafta wait in line or pay no fees.”

Ivy chuckled, “Yeah, that sounds more like you… so when you say Harleen, you mean…?”

“I mean, me, before I was me, yunno?”

“Like… Dr. Harleen Quinzel? Psychiatrist you?”

“Yeah, what’d ya think of her?”

“I mean I liked her, obviously, otherwise why would I have asked you-her to be my therapist?”

“That’s not what I meant, I meant like… not as your doctor… like didja have the hots for her?” Even in the dark Harley could see the flush coloring Ivy’s cheeks.

“Harley, I’ve already told you about a thousand times that I find you attractive… so yeah, I found her attractive too.” Harley grimaced and Ivy shot her an incredulous look. “Are you seriously judging me right now for saying I find you attractive? You just spent the whole damn night objectifying me.”

“Whoa, hey first off, I wasn’t objectifyin’ ya Red, I treated ya like a fuckin’ lady tonight. Got all dressed up for ya, I held doors open for ya, hell I even punched that one guy in the face for starin’ at ya too long. Ain’t no objectifyin’ goin’ on, just some good ole fashioned genuine appreciation for my hot best friend, who by the way is also a smart badass that I love as a fuckin’ person so don’t go tellin’ me I objectified ya!”

Ivy chuckled, “Okay fine, you see me for my soul, you love me for my mind, what the fuck ever, can you tell me why you looked so damn grossed out when I said I thought you were hot please?”

Harley smirked at that, “Ya never said hot, but thanks babe. An’ I wasn’t disgusted just… I dunno, Harleen was such a square, with them glasses, an’ that bun, an’ that lab coat… I look so much cooler now.”

“Okay, rude, you realize I’m a doctor too right? So lab coats? Glasses? I used to wear those all the time too you jackass. And also, those are just clothes Harley, you look like you… and you’re attractive. Though I will say I do kind of miss those glasses.”

Harley laughed and smacked Ivy’s shoulder, “Ya perve, ya got a thing for geeks eh?”

Ivy rolled her eyes, “I don’t have a ‘thing for geeks’, but you know I spent most of my adult life in a lab, so sue me for having a type geez.”

“Does that mean I ain’t your type?”

“Oh my god, you’re hot, she’s hot, you’re both hot. Can you please just tell me what this is all about so I can sleep?”

Harley sighed picking at the edge of Ivy’s sleep shirt as she thought about how to explain her thought process. “It’s just… I was thinkin’ about what ya said earlier, that I ain’t never liked nobody decent?”

Ivy’s face softened, “Harls sweetie, I was just kidding. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Harley smiled softly at her words, “Nah, it ain’t that, it’s just it got me thinkin’ about how I did like somebody decent, I liked you.”

Ivy looked genuinely surprised by Harley’s words. “I-wha-whe… wait are you fucking with me right now?”

Harley chuckled, “Nah I ain’t fuckin’ with ya Red. I did, I had a crush on ya back when I was her, Harleen.”

“You had a crush on me when I was your patient?”

“Yeah… I mean, you were so angry, but sweet at the same time yunno? Like you were an evil badass sexy super villain but also a soft little snuggle bug. An’ it was real hot when ya saved me from Harvey’s guys. I dunno, you were smart too, I mean ya are smart, but I felt like our sessions sometimes, they didn’t even feel like sessions, they just felt like two people talkin’.”

Ivy nodded, “Yeah, it felt like that for me too.”

“An’ I dunno I was just thinkin’ about what mighta happened if I had the balls to make a move on ya back then.”

Ivy was silent for a moment and when she spoke again her voice was almost a whisper, “Why didn’t you?”  
  


Harley shrugged, “I dunno, chicken shit I guess. With Joker, it was easy, right off the bat he made it clear that he wanted me yunno? You were harder to read, I didn’t know if ya felt the same way about me, hell I didn’t even know if ya liked me as a friend.”

Ivy considered that looking guilty as she responded, “… I’m sorry, I should’ve opened up to you more… if I did then-“

“Nah, don’t do that Red, it ain’t nobody’s fault what happened back then, we made choices, an’ it’s all okay now anyhow. I look cool as fuck now, I got rid of that jackass, an’ we’re best friends, it’s perfect.”

Ivy furrowed her eyebrows, “I don’t understand… why were you thinking about all of that then?”

“I dunno, I guess I was just wonderin’ what you thought woulda happened if I made a move on ya.”

“I… I don’t know Harley… I was a different person back then… I guess so were you though. I would’ve reciprocated if that’s what you’re wondering, but after that? Who knows?”

Harley sighed, “Yeah, I guess there ain’t no use thinkin’ about it now.” Ivy nodded but from the look on her face Harley knew that she would lose just as much sleep thinking about it as Harley would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok ok ok, so for the American readers out there before you go making fun of Harley for her Martha Stewart gaffe, in her defense, I too also legitimately thought Martha's Vineyard was a Vineyard that Martha Stewart owned, I mean who the fuck names an Island Martha's Vineyard??? The gag was meant to be about how Harley broke into said vineyard to kidnap Martha Stewart but then I googled Martha's Vineyard and I realized my whole life is a lie... so yeah.
> 
> .... In other news I have made very financially unsound decisions and decided to buy a ridiculous amount of back issues and I've spent the better part of this week binge reading different series' (I just finished bombshells, and I'm up to the Harley quinn part of the White knight series and also the road trip and also... yeah a lot of fucking comics.) sooooo I didn't get any writing done... BUT I did research? Eh? does it count if I call the comics source material?


	5. The Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, just a short one this week, I need to set the stage for upcoming antics and trust me you'll like the antics.
> 
> One note, I was channeling some dudebro chad language for Kiteman, I feel like I pulled it off, any dudebros reading this? Lmk if I got it right, lol.

The Plan

“So she told you she had a crush on you?” Chuck walked to the sofa balancing three bottles of beer in his hands. He handed an opened one to Frank and a closed one to Ivy, placing the bottle opener on the table next to her. Ivy smiled, at this point she trusted Chuck enough that he didn’t have to stick to their no opened containers rule especially not in her own home where her plants would most definitely murder him if he tried anything, but she appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

Ivy opened her bottle and took a swig before answering, “No, she told me Harleen had a crush on me, she made that distinction very clear.”

“Her name IS Harleen,” Frank pointed out.

Ivy shook her head, “Apparently she had it changed, so technically it isn’t. Still what she meant was the version of her before she jumped into that vat of acid.”

Chuck looked a bit confused as he spoke, “so basically what she was saying is that she had a crush on you before she got together with Joker?”

“Yep, which is fucked you know? Because it was bad enough knowing that I didn’t have a chance with her now, but to know that I missed out on a chance with her back then?” Ivy sighed. Chuck and Frank shot her sympathetic looks.

Something seemed to dawn on Chuck though and he got an excited look on his face he started frantically waving his hand at both her and Frank.

Frank gave Ivy a sideways look before saying anything, “What is it boy? Is Timmy trapped in the well?”

Ivy laughed and Chuck shook his head completely undeterred, “No, no, but what if she brought it up because she has feelings for you again?”

Ivy rolled her eyes at that that was definitely not the case. Ever since the conversation a couple of days ago Ivy couldn’t get it off of her mind, Harley on the other hand proceeded to be her normal bubbly psychopathic self. But before Ivy could protest Frank joined in.

“Oooh! Yeah! Maybe she was trying to gauge your reaction.”

“No I do-“ Ivy was cut off by an excited Chuck.

“Yeah! And she was trying to give you a hint that you should make a move on her.”

Frank nodded, “Yeah an-“

“Guys!” Both of them turned to Ivy at her outburst. “Look I appreciate your optimism, but I really don’t think that’s true. And even if it was it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why the fuck not Ivy?” Frank sounded incredulous.

“Because Frank, I can’t take the chance. If I admit that I have feelings for her now, and she doesn’t return those feelings it ruins everything. Not just our friendship, but this plan too, and if the plan is ruined and she goes back to that fuckface I would never forgive myself. So yeah, it doesn’t fucking matter either way.”

Both men deflated at her words, and they all sat silently drinking for a while. In truth, Ivy had thought that maybe that was a possibility, but in the end she decided that it didn’t matter. There was no way she would risk it, it was too dangerous. Harley was so close to getting over that jackass that Ivy couldn’t risk pushing her away.

Over the years Ivy had seen Harley ping pong back and forth over the idea of leaving him, but she always went back. Each time she did Ivy’s heart broke a little more, not just for herself, but for Harley as well, she deserved so much better than him. Each time she went back, Ivy was flooded with fear for the other woman, Joker had made so many attempts on her life that Ivy was always terrified that one day no one would be there to save Harley, that they would be too late, that Ivy would lose her forever. There was something distinctly different about this time though, and Ivy couldn’t, wouldn’t risk ruining it.

Ivy’s thoughts were interrupted by Chuck again waving excitedly at her, Ivy raised her eyebrow in question at him.

“What if you don’t have to tell her? What if you just make her fall in love with you? Then by the end of the fake dating, you’ll be real dating!” Chuck looked so proud of himself that Ivy almost didn’t want to burst his bubble… almost.

“Oh great idea, I’ll just make her fall in love with me. Why didn’t I think of that years ago?” Ivy deadpanned.

“Oh! He’s right! This fake dating thing is actually perfect!” Ivy shot Frank an incredulous look, she really needed to make sure these two didn’t hang out again.

“How exactly is it perfect Frank? She’s using me to get over her ex, she’s not interested in me at all, she only chose me because Joker’s scared of me, and again, all of the stuff I said before.”

“Yeah, but that’s how it always starts. The fake relationship always turns real at the end! Haven’t you ever seen Love Don’t Cost a Thing, starring Nick Cannon and Christina Milian?” Frank looked at her expectantly.

“Yeah, no I haven’t.”

“Oooh or Ten Things I Hate About You? With Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles?”

“N-“

“OH OH, or How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days? With Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey?”

“OH! Or The Proposal? With Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds?”

“OH-“

Ivy had had it with these two idiots, “for fucks sake! I get the fucking picture, you guys watch an alarming number of romantic comedies and for some reason you think this is helpful to me. Can you just get to the fucking point please?!”

“The point is all you have to do is get her to see you in another light, a romantic light.” Chuck winked as he said it and Ivy rolled her eyes.

“How exactly do you propose I do that? We’ve been best friends for years, she literally knows everything about me already, how am I supposed to change how she sees me?”

They both considered this for a moment before Frank responded, “The best friend angle could work too though, they always get together in the end too! Haven’t you ever seen Love and Basketball with Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan?”

“OH or-“

“I swear to god if you start this shit again I’m going to murder you both.” Chuck’s mouth snapped shut at Ivy’s words.

“Point is, you got to use these next couple of months to romance the shit out of Harley.” Frank stated it as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do and Ivy glared at him.

“You guys are not giving me any actionable advice here: ‘make her see you in a new light,’ and ‘romance the shit out of her,’ are not exactly clear directives. I have no idea how to do either of those things, so unless you have concrete suggestions, can we please just drop it and let me stew in my own depression instead?”

“No!” Ivy was taken aback by Chuck’s adamant reply and she nearly dropped her beer at the outburst.

“What the fuck Chuck?!”

“Sorry BL, but I can’t let you just give up. As your best bud-“

“You’re not my best bud.”

“As your wing man-“

“Also not my wing man.”

“As your supportive friend?” Ivy shrugged.

“Yeah that works.” Chuck nodded.

“Okay, as your support bro, it’s my duty to tell you to man up!” Ivy rolled her eyes.

“Don’t fucking tell me to ‘man up,’ that’s fucking stupid. Not only is ‘Man up’ a sexist term that implies that men are somehow more naturally equipped to deal with difficult situations than women, it also supports toxic masculinity by implying that men should not be allowed to feel their emotions. Also-“

Frank interrupted her tirade, “all right we get it Ivy! Jesus, I think there’s a more important issue to discuss here.”

Ivy glared at Frank, “Oh a more important issue than sexism and its effects on society as a whole? Please enlighten me Frank, what’s so much more fucking important?”

Frank was about to respond when Chuck held up his hands in a placating motion, “all right compadres no need to get hostile. BL, I won’t say ‘man up’ again, look I made a note,” Chuck held up his phone with an open note file: ‘Things not to say or do with Bay leaf: (1) Don’t call her babe. (2) Don’t give her any opened drinks. (3) Don’t hit on her bc she’s in love w/ Parsley. (4) Don’t say man up.

Ivy had to chuckle at the list and Chuck smiled clearly glad to have resolved the tension. “See, it’s all good, Kite man knows how to listen. Now what I meant to say is, you have to … um…uh…” Chuck puzzled over what to say clearly not being able to think of a synonym to ‘man up.’

“Fortify!” Frank shouted it and again Ivy almost dropped her beer at the outburst.

“For fucks sake can you guys stop randomly shouting?! I’m going to have a heart attack before the end of this conversation!”

“Oh! That’s good! Fortify!” Chuck held out his beer and Frank followed suit, both men looking to Ivy.

Ivy sighed and tapped her beer to theirs as she mumbled very unenthusiastically, “fortify.” They all took a sip from their beers before Chuck continued.

“So BL you have to fortify, it’s not going to be easy, but you can do it. We just need to make a plan.”

“We?”

Chuck nodded, “Yeah, me you and Frank, that’s what bros are for, to help you out, so all we have to do is figure out what made her have a crush on you the first time and duplicate that.”

Ivy sighed, “She mentioned that she thought I was hot when I saved her life bu-“

“That’s it! We’ll just set up a-“

Ivy interrupted him, “no, whatever it is you’re thinking, no. First, I would never intentionally put her life in danger, secondly I save her life all the time now, I’m pretty sure it’s lost its effect.”

Chuck blew out a breath and Ivy patted his back. “Sorry, thanks for trying anyway.”

“No, wait, he’s still onto something though. The reason she thought you were hot was because it flipped a switch, you went from crazy plant lady, to crazy strong plant lady, the strong was the part she was attracted to.”

“Okay… but it’s not like I’ve gotten weaker since then… so again I think it’s lost its effect.”

Frank nodded, “right, so what we need is to find something that hasn’t lost its effect.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“All we need to do is make a list of all the things that Harley finds attractive in a person, then figure out how you can show that you’re all of those things to her!”

Ivy rubbed her fingers on her temples, why did she think talking to these two about this was a good idea?

“I can make as many lists as I want, go along with as many harebrained ideas you come up with but at the end of the day I can’t force her to feel something that she just doesn’t feel. And anyway her attraction to me isn’t the issue, she’s made it abundantly clear that she’s attracted to me.”

Chuck put his hands up in a time-out gesture, “Hold on, flag on the field, you mean to tell me that she’s got the hots for you and she likes you as a person?”

Ivy squinted at him feeling her annoyance bubble up, “Why? Is that hard to believe? That a person could be attracted to me and like my personality?”

Chuck shook his head, “No, no, no, I just mean, I don’t know why we’re stressing about this. You’re in the perfect situation right now.”

Ivy scoffed, “How is this the perfect situation?”

Frank nodded, “Yeah I don’t follow.”

“Because, okay, think about your last serious relationship, wha-“ Chuck was cut off by Frank’s loud obnoxious laughter. Ivy glared at Frank as Chuck looked on in confusion. “What? What did I say? Is it an inside joke? Aw man I hate not being a part of inside jokes. Tell me what it is, I’ll laugh.”

“The only joke is Ivy’s love life.” Frank howled with laughter again and Ivy flicked her wrist causing Frank to slap himself in the face. “Ah, fuck Ivy! You said you weren’t going to do that anymore!”

“Yeah well that was before you started acting like a fucking asshole!”

“I’m not acting like an asshole, I’m just stating the facts! Go ahead, tell him Ivy, when exactly was your last serious relationship?”  
  


Ivy opened her mouth to respond, then snapped it shut. When was the last time she’d had a serious relationship? She honestly couldn’t remember, had it been that long? No, she’d dated people… she just couldn’t remember the small insignificant details about them… like their names or what they looked like.

Frank smirked at her, “What’s the matter Ivy? Can’t remember?”

Ivy mumbled her response, “Okay fine you’re right.”

Frank inched his face closer to her, “I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you.”

“I said you’re fucking right okay?! I can’t remember the last time I had a serious relationship. BUT I did just spend the last year of my life in Arkham, and before that I…” Ivy trailed off.

“Before that you were so wrapped up in loving your best friend that you made yourself emotionally unavailable to your partners, you dated that guy from the NGO for a year and a half Ivy, and you can’t even remember his name.” Frank pointed an accusatory vine at her as he said this.

Ivy slapped the vine away, “what?! Yes I can… it was… um… Josh…no… John, no no no, it was definitely Josh.”

“It was Hank.”

“Get the fuck out of here, I didn’t date someone named Hank. Did I?”

“Yeah you did, and you know why you don’t remember it? Because you immediately forgot his name and referred to him as ‘babe’ for the entirety of your relationship. That’s the reason you broke up!”

“Oh yeah… huh… well whatever, he sucked anyway. And the reason we broke up is because I left the country for two weeks without telling him and he got all pissed about it like a fucking baby.” Ivy crossed her arms over her chest shooting Frank a challenging glare.

“What about that chiropractor that you met at the women’s march? You dated her for like 5 months and broke up with her when she asked you what your favorite color was.”

Ivy scoffed, “That is a wild misinterpretation of what happened. She didn’t just ask me what my favorite color was, she had a tone.”

“A tone?”

“Yes, a very condescending tone that I didn’t appreciate, plus that bitch ate veal, so fuck her.”

“Ivy, I’m going to try to say this in the nicest way possible, but you have been the absolute worst girlfriend to every single person you’ve dated in the last… five years? Maybe longer. You’re shitty at relationships.”

“Jesus, if that was the nice way what the fuck was the mean way to say that?” Ivy finished off her beer and held a hand out as her plants delivered another one to her.

Chuck let out a low whistle, “I’m glad I’m your support bro, but I gotta say I think I dodged a bullet by not dating you BL.”

Ivy glared at Chuck, “Okay don’t act like that was your choice, if I had said yes to dating you, you would’ve probably proposed to me twice by now. You dick. Also thanks a lot guys, I felt shitty before, but now that I know I’m a horrible girlfriend I feel fucking awesome.”

Both men looked abashed by that, seemingly just remembering that they were meant to be cheering Ivy up.

“Sorry Bay Leaf, but look on the bright side. Now you have us to help you be a good girlfriend.” Chuck smiled weakly as he said it and Ivy sighed.

Frank was right, she had been a horrible girlfriend to everyone she’d dated for a while now and while she wasn’t exactly excited about going along with another stupid ass plan, she had to admit these two idiots were her best option right now.

“Okay fine, let’s make that stupid fucking list.” Frank and Chuck whooped with excitement and Ivy shook her head at herself as she went to get a paper and pen, flinging them at Chuck.

Chuck caught them easily,“okay, so what does the chica like?”

Ivy shrugged, “Don’t call her that and I don’t know, assholery?”

“Oh come on you’re her BFF, you have to know what she likes.”

“I don’t know, she dated Joker pretty much the whole time we’ve been friends, and the only stories she ever told me about her exes were about how shitty they were.”

Ivy really was at a loss, sure she knew Harley better than anyone else, but romance had always been a sore topic for them. Ivy had never liked Joker, and she’d made that abundantly clear to Harley, so they rarely talked about him save for the times Ivy tried to convince Harley to leave him. Add that to the fact that Harley only ever spoke about her exes to relay stories of their ‘crazy adventures’ (Harley’s definition crazy adventures seemed to just mean shitty abusive behavior) and Ivy really didn’t know much about what Harley looked for in a romantic partner.

Chuck shrugged, “No problemo, we’ll just use Joker.”

Ivy looked at Chuck like he was crazy, “what?! Absolutely not, there is no way in hell that I am emulating any of that jackass’s behavior!”

“No definitely, that guy’s a wannabro for sure.”

“A wannabro?”

“Yeah, a wannabe bro, not like us, we’re bro-bros.” Ivy opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Frank.

“As amusing as it is to hear you call Ivy a bro so often, let’s not get sidetracked. Also, what the fuck do you mean let’s use Joker?! Fuck that w-“

Before Frank could finish Chuck raised his beer in the air, “Fuck that guy!”

Ivy chuckled and tapped his bottle, “Yeah, fuck that guy!”

Frank looked at them in confusion for a second before shrugging and tapping his bottle to theirs, “Fuck that guy!”

When they finished taking a swig of beer Chuck continued, “I’m totes on the same page as you guys, I’m not saying you should act like him, I’m just saying we look at his stats, pick the best ones and show Parsley you have them in like your own Bay Leaf way.”

Frank nodded, “Oh okay, so like for example Joker is spontaneous, but instead of randomly blowing somebody up, Ivy could do something else that shows she can be spontaneous too.”

Chuck held his hand out, “Exactly! Up top!” Frank slapped Chuck’s hand. “Nice.”

Ivy groaned, first she found out she was a horrible girlfriend, and now she had to use that jackass as an example for how to be a better girlfriend? This was so fucking stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I legitimately couldn't think of another friends to lovers movie other than love and basketball... like I know there's more I just couldn't think of any. 
> 
> Anyone besides Frank and Kite man watch a ridiculous amount of romantic comedies? Wanna tell me some more friends to lovers movies I can watch? Lmk
> 
> Also, also, also, every time I picture Ivy getting offended by her ex asking her favorite color I cackle.
> 
> Last but not least, as always thanks for reading and stay well.


	6. The Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all I hope you guys have been having a good week. I unfortunately have been in quarantine for the last two days until my pcr test comes back, so cross your fingers for me will ya?  
> Other than that I hope you all enjoy the chapter and thanks for all of your comments kudos bookmarks etc.

The Kiss

“So then he-“ Ivy cut herself off in the middle of speaking, letting go of Harley’s hand as she did.

Harley looked at her expectantly for a moment before following her line of sight. What she saw was a guy looking through his brief case, carelessly flinging out trash onto the ground as he did so. Harley grimaced knowing that this guy was in for a verbal lashing at the hands of Ivy and while she loved Ivy, she really, really didn’t want to listen to another lecture about littering, even if it wasn’t directed at her.

“Ives let’s jus-“ Before Harley could complete her sentence Ivy marched over to the man. Harley groaned but followed Ivy anyway, mentally preparing herself to be bored out of her mind for the next five to fifteen minutes. Harley made one last ditch effort, “Ives we sho-OH SHIT!”

Just as Harley had been about to plead for Ivy to just let it go, Ivy had completely surprised her by simply tapping the man on the shoulder and punching him in the face as soon as he turned around. The man held his nose groaning as blood leaked down his face.

“Don’t fucking litter asshole!” With that Ivy kicked him in the nuts then turned back to Harley and grabbed her hand before pulling her away from the guy pitifully whimpering to himself.

“Holy fuckin’ shit Ives!” Ivy turned to Harley a gleam of glee clear in her eyes.

“I’ve always wanted to do that. That felt so fucking good, oh man I need to punch random litterers in the face more often.”

Harley snorted with laughter. That was the funniest fucking thing she’d ever seen, she wished she had recorded it just so that she could play it back over and over again. Ivy was usually a lot more methodical in her violence, choosing her victims carefully so as to have the biggest impact. The average Joe Schmoes that Ivy encountered usually got lengthy tirades from Ivy about the environment and the importance of recycling and blah, blah, blah. Randomly punching people wasn’t really her style, but it was definitely a change that Harley could get behind.

“Well, we’re not doin’ anythin’ but walkin’ around in the park, ya wanna go find some litterbugs an’ fuck ‘em up? ‘Cause I am soooo down.” Harley made the suggestion in jest, assuming that Ivy would reel herself in and say no, but to Harley’s surprise Ivy nodded eagerly a big smile still firmly affixed to her face.

“Yeah, let’s fucking do that.”

“Wait really?”

“Yeah, that was fun!” Harley shrugged.

“Okay hot stuff, if that’s what ya wanna do, then let’s go!”

Since their date had been a bust, they had come to the park in hopes to get photographed holding hands and doing cutesy couple shit. While they had been photographed on their date, since there was no kiss the headline that ran with the photo had been: “Gal Pals Search for Love at Wayne Tower.” The article went on to say that Harley and Ivy had been spotted out on the town dressed up and looking for new boyfriends. This was all despite the fact that the photo that they’d used for the article clearly showed them holding hands, Harley’s foot caressing Ivy’s calf, and Harley giving Ivy ‘come fuck me’ eyes.

Ivy really hadn’t understood why a photo of them walking in the park holding hands would make any bit of difference considering the fact that their date failed so spectacularly. But when Harley promised to treat her to breakfast from the café all the way across town that served ethically sourced coffee and vegan baked goods, Ivy had agreed. Harley had ulterior motives of course, she’d hoped to spend the whole day buttering Ivy up so that she could convince her to go to Bane’s roller rink birthday bash. As cute as the whole strolling in the park holding hands thing was, Harley needed a kiss, and making out with Ivy at Bane’s party would seal the deal.

This random turn of events however, was a detour that Harley was definitely okay with. While she normally tried to steer Ivy’s attention away from litterbugs and the like so that she didn’t have to get a second-hand speech about the personal responsibility that everyone had to protect the earth, now she pointed them all out with glee. Harley cackled as she live streamed Ivy cold-cocking a guy for putting his non-recyclable trash in the recycling bin, hashtagging it “Punching out Pollution,” and “Bisexuals against Biohazards.”

By the time the afternoon rolled around not only were both hashtags trending, but there was also a punching out pollution challenge, where people would record themselves beating people up who were doing shitty things to the environment. Harley’s personal favorite had been of a thirteen year old girl punching her dad in the nuts for not buying a reusable tote bag at the supermarket. Ivy had grinned from ear to ear when she saw it but had insisted that the video of the barista throat punching a woman for ordering an extra-large bone dry almond milk cappuccino was even funnier.

Harley screeched with wild laughter as she collapsed onto the sofa, their pollution fighting escapades had unfortunately been cut short by Batman and they’d needed to make a quick getaway but Harley couldn’t stop laughing as she played back the video of Ivy using her vines to fling Batman into a trash bin and yelling: “Reduce, reuse, recycle motherfucker!”

“Hey Ives, check it out someone caught you throwing Batman out on video!”

Ivy slid back into the living room and plopped down next to her on the sofa, still clearly amped up from their morning antics, “no shit? Let me see.”

Harley played the video again and they both fell into a fit of laughter. Harley sighed contentedly as she wiped the tears from her eyes. When was the last time she’d laughed that hard? She couldn’t remember exactly, but she knew whenever it was it had to have been with Ivy. Ivy was honestly her favorite person in the world and Harley never got enough of hanging out with her.

Speaking of which, “Hey Ives?”

“Hmm?”

“Wouldja come to Bane’s party with me tonight?”

“Sure.”

Harley looked at Ivy surprise clear on her face, “Wait, really?”

Ivy chuckled at the look on Harley’s face, “Yeah, why not? I have way too much energy from all of this to stay in tonight, so yeah if you want to go to Bane’s lame ass party, I’m okay with that.”

Harley couldn’t believe her ears, she’d been expecting to have to beg Ivy, pout a little bit, maybe pull out some fake tears, but no, Ivy had just agreed right off the bat. Harley hopped on Ivy’s lap and before she could protest she cupped Ivy’s face in her hands squeezing her cheeks together and looking closely into her eyes.

“ ‘arls wha da uck?” Ivy’s voice was distorted due to the fact that Harley had such a tight hold on her face.

“I’m just tryin’ ta figure out who the fuck ya are an’ what ya did with my Ives.”

Ivy shoved Harley’s hands away from her face, “Did you want me to say no? ‘Cause I’ll say no if you want me to.”

Harley shook her head adamantly, “no, no, no, ya already agreed, we’re goin’. I just thought I was gonna hafta butter ya up some more is all.”

Ivy rubbed her sore cheeks as she spoke, “butter me up?”

“Yeah, I was thinkin’ I’d hafta pick up lunch for ya, maybe promise ta watch that documentary ya wanted ta watch, definitely wash the dishes an’ pick my clothes up from the floor.” Ivy’s expression fell at Harley’s words and Harley had to bite back a laugh.

“Wait, wait, uh… yeah I don’t wanna go, let’s do all the stuff you just said, instead.” Harley chuckled.

“Nope, ya already agreed Ives, so no cleanin’ or documentary watchin’ for you. I will get us lunch though, ‘cause I love ya so much.”

Ivy scowled, “or because you’re hungry too.”

Harley grinned, “maybe a lil of that too, but my treat babe.” Harley winked at Ivy and Ivy groaned in response.

“Damn it, that’s what I get for being in a good mood.”

“Aww don’t be sore Red, I promise I’ll make it up ta ya tonight.” Harley ground down on Ivy’s lap and Ivy blushed furiously before picking Harley up and unceremoniously dumping her on the sofa next to her.

“Fuck off Harls, I’m going to go take a shower, you better order something really good or I’m being grumpy for Bane’s whole party.”

Harley saluted Ivy, “Ma’am, yes Ma’am!”

* * *

Getting Ivy to come to Bane’s party had been surprisingly easy, getting Ivy to actually skate at Bane’s party? Not so easy. (“I’ll do all the dishes for the next week.” “Month.” “Two weeks and I’ll pick up after myself.” “Deal.”) Just when Harley had thought the hard part was over, Ivy, true to her namesake, would not stop clinging to the wall.

“Ives, ya gotta let go.”

Ivy shook her head, “Nope, I’m good here. Having a great time right here.”

“Ives if ya don’t let go, how will ya ever learn?”

“You know, despite popular belief, roller skating is not actually an important life skill.”

Harley rolled her eyes, “come on Ives, I didn’t promise to do the dishes just so you could hug the wall the whole night.”

“Yeah, but you already promised, so ha!” Ivy went to point a mocking finger at Harley but when she did she slipped a little and let out an undignified yelp before clinging to the wall again.

Harley chuckled and placed a hand on Ivy’s, “take my hand ya big baby, I promise I won’t let ya go.”

Ivy eyed her hand suspiciously for a moment, “if you let go I’m kicking you out of the apartment.” Harley knew it was an empty threat and she laughed good naturedly.

“Okay, if I let ya go, I’ll pack my bags up ASAP, now gimmie your hand.” Ivy nodded but made no move to release her grip from the wall. Harley shook her head in amusement skating closer to Ivy so that she was pressed right against the other woman. Harley grabbed Ivy’s waist, “look, I got ya Ives, all ya gotta do is put your hands on my shoulders.”

Harley winced a little at the death grip Ivy had on her shoulders as she pulled her away from the wall. “Good, you’re doin’ real good Ives, bend your knees a little.” Ivy tried to do as she was told but her wobbly legs caused one skate to fly backwards almost pulling them both to the floor. Harley caught her and steadied her quickly.

“Fucking shit motherfucker!” Harley bit her lip to keep from laughing at Ivy’s outburst.

“Hey, ya didn’t fall, I got ya. Look up at me, don’t look at the skates, that’ll mess ya up.” Ivy reluctantly pulled her eyes away from her skates to meet Harley’s. “Good, now all I need ya to do is hold on to my hands, okay? I’m gonna pull ya around the rink a little, get ya used to movin’.” Ivy nodded and allowed Harley to grasp her hands. Harley started skating backwards, pulling Ivy with her as she went. Ivy kept nervously looking down at her feet, her legs locking in place every time she did.

“Eyes up Red, I’m skatin’ backwards here ya gotta make sure I don’t bump into nothin’.” That snapped Ivy’s eyes to attention and she looked up quickly. “Relax Pammy, I’m a real good skater.”

Ivy’s body was stiff and Harley could practically feel the nervous energy coursing through Ivy’s form.

“Hey, ya know what I saw the other day?”

Ivy quirked an eyebrow, “what?”

“I saw this post about cashews, an’ man Ives, they’re … nuts.” Harley raised her eyebrows and waited expectantly.

Ivy chuckled lightly, “you’re such a dork… though cashews are kind of strange to be honest.”

Harley knew that, which was exactly why she brought it up, if she could get Ivy talking then Ivy would relax.

So Harley feigned confusion, “whaddya mean? ‘Cause they look like lil kidneys?”

Ivy shook her head, “no… well yeah that too. But did you know that the shells of cashews are poisonous?”

“Nah, you’re yankin’ my chain.” As Harley said the words she pulled Ivy a little bit faster, noting how the other woman’s legs weren’t as stiff as before.

“No, no really, cashews grow two shells, and between them there are anacardic acids, which can cause severe skin reactions, similar to poison ivy.” Ivy’s hands loosened their grip on Harley’s as she spoke.

“No, shit?” Harley was genuinely surprised by that, when she brought up cashews it was because she’d seen a picture of how they grew on the internet and thought it was weird as fuck. But leave it to Ivy to actually teach her something new.

Ivy chuckled, “No, shit. That’s why they never come in shells.”

Harley stopped pulling Ivy for a moment allowing them to roll easily along and as she suspected would happen Ivy started moving her feet unconsciously, pushing Harley forward as she spoke.

“Well then how do they make it so we can eat ‘em?”

“There’s a process of de-shelling the cashews wearing protective gear, it’s often labor intensive because the oil is so useful that they don’t just throw it away.” At this point Harley had a barely there grasp on Ivy’s hands, the other woman too caught up in her mini lesson to realize that she’d started skating on her own.

“They can use the poison for stuff?”

“Yeah, it has a lot of commercial uses actually, lubricants, polymers, paints, there’s even some scientists looking into the possibility of using it in place of petroleum.”

“Wait, back up, did you say lube?” Harley wiggled her eyebrows at Ivy and Ivy laughed.

“Not those kinds of lubricants you perve, industrial lubricants, for like machinery and stuff.”

Harley angled her body to lead them around a corner and Ivy unthinkingly followed suit.

“Well that’s no fun. Hey since they’re like poison ivy does that mean poison ivy can do all that stuff too?”

Ivy shook her head, “they’re similar but not the same, though poison ivy does have some medicinal uses.”

Harley had been about to answer when Bane sped by them lightly grazing Ivy with his bulky body and calling over his shoulder, “looking good Ivy!”

The sudden interruption caused Ivy to lose her rhythm and her feet angled in different directions. Harley grabbed Ivy’s hands firmly trying to steady her but in her panic to regain footing Ivy pitched forward and rammed right into Harley slamming her against the wall that was fortunately behind them. Ivy grabbed the wall tightly for support and Harley reached back behind herself and did the same.

“Bane you fucking shit fucker!”

“Yeah! I almost had her skatin’ ya shit fucker!” At that Ivy turned her attention back to Harley.

“Wait, were you just having me talk about cashews to distract me?”

Harley smiled as innocently as possible, “nah Red, I love hearin’ ya talk about nuts…” There was a silence as Harley fought to keep her face straight, but it was no use, Ivy started laughing and Harley joined in a second later. They both laughed so hard that tears rolled down their faces.

Ivy, apparently forgetting where they were, moved to wipe her eyes, but when she removed one hand from the wall her foot slid back and she teetered. Harley shot her hands out and grabbed Ivy’s waist pulling her closer and steadying her. Ivy instinctively mirrored Harley’s actions and when she regained her balance Harley noted how close they had gotten to each other.

Ivy’s eyes met her own and Harley felt her heartbeat speed up. How had she never noticed how beautiful Ivy’s eyes were? She watched as those eyes casted a quick glance down to Harley’s lips and Harley’s breath caught. Harley gripped Ivy’s waist just a little tighter as she looked down at Ivy’s full green lips. She thought for a moment about how strange it was that Ivy’s lips, immensely dangerous, responsible for the demise of so many, were also so fucking tempting. Harley couldn’t be bothered to ponder this for very long because temptation was something she was never very good at resisting.

Harley leaned up and captured Ivy’s lips with her own feeling the other woman let out a soft gasp as she did so. Harley felt her stomach flutter at the gentle sound and pulled Ivy impossibly closer as she pushed her lips more insistently against Ivy’s. Ivy kissed Harley back with a fervor that made Harley’s head spin, her lips sliding against Harley’s with skill and grace. Harley’s body tingled with need and she pushed forward sucking Ivy’s bottom lip into her mouth before kissing it again. Ivy moaned at the action and Harley nearly lost it.

The two so caught up in the moment hadn’t realized that they’d pushed away from the wall that held them steady and they both squeaked in surprise as the world started to spin around them. Harley fell directly on top of Ivy who grunted at the impact.

Harley pulled her head away a little to look at Ivy, “jeez Red, ya sure know how to sweep a girl offa her feet.”

Harley’s breath caught when she realized that Ivy’s darkened green eyes were staring intently at her lips.

“Shut up Harley,” before Harley could respond Ivy gripped her neck and pulled her down slamming their lips together once more.

Harley startled but quickly matched Ivy’s rhythm, pushing her lips against Ivy’s with an urgency that filled Harley so quickly that she would have been surprised by it, that is if she had any time to think something other than: _holy fucking shit this is so hot_ , but as it were Harley’s only other solid thought was: _more_. Harley grazed Ivy’s lips with her tongue lightly and Ivy opened them to give Harley entrance. Their tongues brushed against each other briefly before Harley captured Ivy’s bottom lip between her teeth and gave it a playful nibble. Harley ran a soothing swipe of her tongue over Ivy’s lip before swallowing Ivy’s soft gasp by pushing their lips together again.

Harley had almost completely forgotten where they were when she heard a grating voice behind them, “Woo! Girl on girl! Is someone recording this?!”

Ivy growled against Harley’s lips and ripped them away in a flash turning an angry glare on Psycho. The man looked properly intimidated by Ivy’s irate stare and said no more. Harley wanted to kill that chauvinistic asshole, didn’t he realize that he’d just interrupted the best kiss of her life? Harley sighed and got to her feet pulling Ivy along with her, knowing that the moment had been shattered and there was no way Ivy would be okay with continuing, especially not in such an open setting. As Harley pulled Ivy carefully to the edge of the rink and towards the exit, she couldn’t help but wonder if Ivy had enjoyed the kiss as much as she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cashews are weird AF: https://www.today.com/food/we-can-t-get-over-how-weird-cashews-look-they-t162481
> 
> I got hyperfocused on them for a bit and read a bunch of articles about them, they're.... nuts! 
> 
> ... I know I used the same joke as Harley, stfu. 
> 
> Also, for any other former (or current) baristas out there, bone dry almond milk cappuccinos, amirite?
> 
> and lastly, if picturing Bane on tiny roller skates doesn't make you smile at least a little... then idk man, we're not on the same wavelength humor wise.


	7. The Charm Bomb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all,  
> I'm Covid free! Yay, and I got my vaccine, so double yay. No notes for this one really, except can anyone think of any other positive qualities of Joker? I wanted to add another chapter of antics but I can't think of other good qualities he has.  
> Also, also, also this is Ivy->

The Charm Bomb

“I don’t know Ivy, I saw the video on Waynetube, and that shit didn’t look fake to me.”

“F bomb is right BL, unless Parsley is a really good actress, I think that was a legit kiss.”

Ivy quirked an eyebrow at Chuck, “F bomb?”

Chuck nodded, “Yeah because his name starts with an F and he says fuck a lot.”

Frank gave Chuck a high five, “fuck yeah I do! Don’t be jealous that my fucking nickname is so much fucking cooler than your fucking nickname.” Ivy rolled her eyes at the two, how had this duo of dumbasses become her confidants?

Ivy pointed her chopsticks at Frank, “you’re saying it more on purpose now.”

Frank shrugged, “you can’t fucking prove that. Now someone give me some of that fucking mushu pork.”

Chuck handed the container to Frank as he shoveled an eggroll into his mouth, not taking the time to completely chew the item before speaking again.

“It’s a good thing Bay Leaf, it means our plan is working. So we got spontaneous out of the way, what’s next?” Ivy grimaced at the way Chuck shoveled food into his mouth but said nothing about it as she ate her veggie chow mein.

“It’s…” Frank wrestled with the notebook flipping it to the right page, “uh… oh… it’s charming.”

Ivy groaned, she had never really been regarded as the most charismatic person in the world, and now they wanted her to just randomly pull off charming? It was an impossible mission.

“I don’t even know how to be charming.”

“Clearly.”

“Fuck you Frank!”

“Hey hey, let’s not get negative. Chuckster’s got charm to spare and anyway you charmed me Bay leaf.”

Ivy rolled her eyes, “I didn’t charm you Chuck, you just thought I was hot so you didn’t care when I was mean to you.”

Chuck looked genuinely confused, “wait… you were being mean to me? I thought you just had that dry humor that I can never fully understand.”

“Yeah, no I was just being mean.”

“Huh… I’m not gonna lie brosef that stings a little, but it’s okay, I can put that behind me because we’re best bros now.”

“We’re not best bros.”

“Good bros?”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Nice.” Chuck held his hand up and Ivy rolled her eyes before giving him a high five.

“Now all you have to do is grab your lady, lean in real close and say: is it hot in here or is it just you?”

Ivy rolled her eyes, “I’m no-“ Ivy had been about to chide Chuck for his cheesy pick up line when Frank interrupted her thoughts.

“Oh! Or just fucking say: I must be in a museum because you’re a work of art.”

“N-“

“Oh! Or: I might not be a genie, but I can make all your wishes come true.”

“Or: I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.”

“Or: Excuse me, are you sitting on the F5 key? Beca-“

“Enough! Jesus Christ, when you two get together it’s like a never ending shitshow. I’m not going to say any of those things to her for several reasons. One, I’m not trying to pick her up at a bar. Two, if I was picking her up at a bar I still wouldn’t say that stuff because it’s cheesy as fuck. Three, we’re already fake dating, I don’t need a pick up line. And four, if I said any of that I would seem the exact opposite of charming.” Ivy let out a breath falling against the back of her chair at the end of her tirade.

The only sounds in the empty apartment were the sounds of the two men munching on their food for a couple of moments before Frank spoke up.

“Okay, yeah she’s right. She doesn’t need a pick up line, she needs instructions, hand me that laptop. I’m going to Google how to be charming.”

Chuck handed Frank the laptop and as he started typing Ivy interjected, “okay but let’s consider this option, I just don’t do anything.”

Frank sent her a withering look, “what the fuck Ivy? You’re just going to give up after spontaneous?”

“Yeah Bay Leaf, I have to side with F bomb here, you can’t give up. Fortify.” Chuck held up his glass of water and Frank followed suit.

“Yeah! Fucking fortify!”

Ivy sighed and tapped her glass to theirs mumbling out a ‘fortify’ under her breath before trying again. “Look it’s not giving up. It’s just, Harley knows me already, she likes me already, why do I need to be charming? The hard part is done.”

“Yeah but charisma isn’t just about how one fucking person sees you, it’s about how everyone fucking sees you.”

“Yeah you have to show Parsley that you can be charming to other people.”

Ivy’s face fell, she had to charm other people? Like be nice to people other than Harley? This was the worst idea ever.

“Why would she care how other people see me? She doesn’t give a fuck about what people think.” Ivy pointed it out with a smirk on her face thinking she’d won the argument.

Frank countered, “not true, she gives a fuck about what some people think. Like her fucking crew for example.”

Chuck snapped his fingers, “that’s it! You just have to charm her crew, that’s only three people, you can do that.”

Ivy absolutely could not do that, she’d yelled at Harley’s crew so often she doubted anything she did at this point would make them think she was charismatic. Plus, charming Psycho? Yeah, no thank you. Ivy was about to make her thoughts known when Frank spoke up.

“Okay, step one, smile more.”

Ivy rolled her eyes, “Smile more? Really?”

Frank shrugged, “hey according to the website smiling makes you seem friendlier and that makes people like you.”

Ivy groaned not only did she hate fake smiling she was terrible at it, Harley had told her so on several occasions. (“Red ya just look like ya gotta take a shit.”) That was exactly why whenever they took selfies together Harley had to time them just right so she could catch Ivy laughing or smiling at one of her jokes otherwise it would just look like Ivy was grimacing at the camera.

“Frank you know I’m terrible at faking smiles, there has to be something else I can do.”

Frank sighed, “okay that’s true, um… oh here listen intently as they talk about the things they’re interested in.”

Maybe she could find something interesting to talk about with King Shark, but listen to Clayface go on and on about his ‘process’ when he takes on a role? That sounded horrible. She didn’t even want to think about what she’d have to endure by listening to Psycho.

Frank continued, “compliment people as an icebreaker and make eye contact when speaking to them. That’s easy enough.”

Ivy scowled, “easy? Explain to me how it’s easy to compliment Psycho and then listen to him go on and on about some horrible probably misogynistic thing? Or how I’m supposed to smile while Clayface breaks out into a Shakespearian monologue?”

Frank glared at her but before he could say anything Chuck interjected, “hey buck up Bay leaf, you didn’t think you could be spontaneous and you did that, remember?”

Ivy nodded, he was right, she’d been resistant to the idea of being spontaneous, it went against her over planning nervous nature, but Frank had suggested to simply go about her day and instead of immediately dismissing her initial guttural reactions to things to just try doing one. Ivy had to admit that spending the morning punching polluter’s around Gotham had not only been fun it had been effective. Ever since the ‘Punch out pollution challenge,’ had started Gotham had gotten cleaner and cleaner, finding a piece of litter in the park, or a recyclable item in the wrong bin had gotten harder and it was in no small part due to Ivy being a little more spontaneous.

Frank nodded, “exactly! Just try and find something you have in common with them and talk about that.”

Ivy nodded, she could do that, all she had to do was figure out what she had in common with these people… this was going to be terrible.

* * *

“That is why I only drink room temperature water and…” Clayface’s monologue continued as Ivy wondered how long you had to listen to someone for them to find you charming.

Ivy stared intently into Clayface’s eyes as he went on and on about the importance of caring for your voice. She’d mentioned how she enjoyed Morgan Freeman’s narration in March of the Penguins in hopes that he would talk about the film, instead Clayface spent fifteen minutes giving Ivy tips on how to get a powerful speaking voice. Ivy knew that it was exactly fifteen minutes because despite her best efforts she kept checking the clock behind him as he spoke.

“Jesus Christ she doesn’t fucking care! No one cares!” Ivy had never before felt so grateful to hear Psycho’s voice, but she couldn’t say so because that would derail the 15 minutes of charm she’d put into Clayface. Ivy inwardly groaned as she turned around and made direct eye contact with Psycho before speaking.

“That’s not true, I find it fascinating.”

Psycho raised an eyebrow, “you’re telling me that you find Clayface talking about how he avoids spicy foods in order to ‘maintain his livelihood,’ fascinating?”

Fascinating was overkill, she should have said interesting or informative. Ivy had to force herself not to glare at Psycho, instead putting on her best smile. (or at least what she thought was her best smile, she looked psychotic.)

“Sure, I do. Don’t you?”

Psycho looked mildly uncomfortable as he answered, “no, I don’t. Obviously, that’s why I fucking stopped him from talking and why the fuck are you looking at me like that?!”

Ivy snapped, “I’m fucking looking at you in the eyes, you dickhead. I guess you’re not used to having anyone above the age of five meet you at eye level.”

Ivy pulled back quickly realizing what she’d said, “… heh… just kidding. Obviously, haha great joke…” Ivy fake laughed as she gently punched Psycho’s shoulder. Psycho continued to look at her like she’d gone crazy and she cleared her throat, “so… how are you? … doing? … how are you doing little buddy? I mean, buddy, regular sized buddy… uh bud… how are you doing bud?”

“Okay, excuse us guys, I need ta have a little chat with my honeybuns here.” Harley grabbed Ivy’s arm and pulled her roughly into the bedroom before shutting the door behind her and shooting her a perplexed look.

“What the fuck was that?”

Ivy avoided Harley’s gaze, “what do you mean?”

“What do I mean? Are ya kiddin’ me right now? Ya just listened to Clayface monologue about the perils of acid reflux, then ya willingly touched Psycho an’ asked him how he was. Ya fuckin’ hate Psycho. Not to mention all that creepy starin’ you were doin’. What’s goin’ on Ives?”

Ivy sighed, why had she thought she could pull off charming? She couldn’t pull off charming, as a matter of fact all she had done was prove that she was the exact opposite of charming. This was an absolute disaster. Harley stepped closer grabbing Ivy’s hand in her own and squeezing insistently. Ivy took a deep breath before meeting Harley’s eyes, her expression had turned soft and she looked at Ivy with genuine concern.

“Ives, what is it?” The worry in her voice made Ivy grimace, but what could she say? ‘I was just trying to be charming so you’d fall in love with me.’ She couldn’t say that, but it was obvious that Harley wasn’t going to let it go. “Talk to me Pammy.”

Ivy shook her head, “it’s nothing… I just… nothing. I’m just going to leave you guys alone.” Ivy went to open the door but Harley intercepted her hand and pushed her further into the room until Ivy’s legs hit the bed.

“No, I’m not lettin’ ya go, I wanna know what’s wrong, so if I gotta pull out the big guns I will, now lay down.” Ivy’s eyebrows shot up, what were the big guns? And why did she need to lay down for them?

Harley chuckled at the startled look on Ivy’s face, “oh relax ya perve, I just want ya to get comfortable.”

Ivy sighed and did as she was told. She lay down on the bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling as she tried to think of an excuse for her earlier behavior. Ivy heard Harley shuffling around the room for a couple of moments before she spoke up again.

“Okay, Pamela, would you like to share how you’re feeling?” Ivy’s head snapped up when she heard Harley call her by her actual name and not one of the million nicknames that Harley had for her. When she saw Harley she almost did a double take, Harley had put her hair up in a bun she’d put on glasses and she was sitting in front of the bed with a clipboard in her hands.

“What I’m feeling is confused as fuck. What are you doing Harley? And where did you get that clipboard? Or those glasses?”

“Pamela, you know that I would prefer it if you call me Dr. Quinzel, and don’t deflect, we’re focusing on you right now.” Harley’s voice and demeanor was so much like her old self that Ivy wondered if she was possessed. Could you be possessed by your former self? Was that a thing? And holy shit Harley looked hot in glasses, Ivy had almost forgotten how hot Harley looked in glasses.

Harley sighed, “wouldja just play along Ives?” Ivy breathed a sigh of relief, Harley wasn’t possessed by her old self.

“Sorry, I just thought you had somehow reverted back to Harleen for a minute…” Ivy trailed off worrying that Harley might take that as an insult, “not that there’s anything wrong with that. I like Harleen… I mean I like you too… I like the both of you at the same time… I mean not at the same time… not like some kind of weird mind threesome…oh my god I’m going to stop talking forever.” Ivy covered her flushed face with her hands and listened as Harley tried her best to stifle her laughter.

Harley composed herself after a few moments and laid a gentle hand on Ivy’s prying it away from her face. “Ives come on, talk to me, somethin’ is obviously botherin’ ya.” Harley laced their fingers together and rubbed soothing circles on Ivy’s hand as she spoke.

Ivy sighed, “so maybe… Frank might have mentioned that I have a track record of being a horrible girlfriend.”

Harley looked offended on Ivy’s behalf, “fuck Frank, you’re the best girlfriend ever!”

Ivy smiled wryly, “remember that guy I dated, the one from the NGO?”

Harley nodded, “ya mean Hank?” Ivy groaned, even Harley remembered his name.

“Yeah, well I couldn’t remember his name, and Frank pointed out that I wasn’t exactly the most attentive girlfriend in the world.”

Harley rolled her eyes, “first who could blame ya? That guy was borin’ as fuck, and second what’s that gotta do with you bein’ all weird with the crew?”

Ivy took a deep breath, “well… I might have been trying to work on being more charming… you know to get to know them better… practice being more attentive?” It wasn’t technically a lie, she had been trying to work on being more charming, and Frank had told her she was a horrible girlfriend. The fact that that had little to do with why she was trying to be more charming was irrelevant.

Harley grinned, “so what you’re sayin’ is you were tryin’ ta get my crew ta like ya so that you could be a better girlfriend to me?”

Ivy scowled at her, “don’t look at me like that… and… maybe.” Harley raised an eyebrow at her, “Okay, fine yes.”

Harley’s grin turned into a full blown smile but before Ivy could glare at her Harley jumped on top of her straddling her hips and squeezing Ivy’s face in her hands. “That’s so fuckin’ sweet Pammy! Ya dorky lil cutiepie!” Harley pressed a quick chaste kiss to Ivy’s lips and when she pulled back Ivy was blushing.

Harley giggled and Ivy slapped Harley’s hands away from her face, “I’m not cute, or sweet. Now get off of me.”

Harley shook her head, “nope, ‘cause I got somethin’ ta tell ya an’ I need ya to listen close.”

Ivy sighed, “if you’re going to tell me how much of a train wreck that whole charming thing was, save it, I know.”

Harley chuckled, “nah, I wasn’t gonna say that, it was bad though.” Ivy groaned and Harley rushed to continue, “but Ives it was bad ‘cause ya weren’t bein’ yourself. I don’t give a fuck what Frank says, you’re charmin’ just the way ya are.”

Ivy rolled her eyes, “oh really? Then why does your crew hate me?”

“They don’t hate ya Ives, they like ya, a lot. Well maybe not Psycho, but he doesn’t like anybody. But King Shark and Clayface? They love ya, they talk about ya all the time.”

Ivy raised an eyebrow at that, “…really? Are you just saying that so I’ll feel better?”

Harley shook her head, “nah, I mean it, scouts honor. An’ anyways even if they didn’t like ya, I don’t care about that ‘cause I love ya an’ I don’t give a fuck what anybody else thinks about ya.”

Ivy smiled, “so you really think I’m charming?”

Harley nodded, “yeah for sure, you’re a straight shooter ya know what I mean? Ya don’t pretend to like people just to be nice, I like that. I can always tell when ya don’t like someone ‘cause your face gives ya away, ya can’t fake smile for shit. You’re real Ives, ya don’t gotta pretend to be somethin’ ya ain’t for me. I like what ya are.”

Ivy nodded her smile getting wider as Harley spoke, “thanks Harls, that means a lot to me. Sorry for being weird.”

Harley shrugged, “it’s okay, I’m pretty sure Clayface was so happy to have someone listen to him that he didn’t notice and Psycho… well fuck what Psycho thinks.”

Ivy laughed, “that’s good to know. Now, Dr. Quinzel, would you mind taking off your glasses and shaking your hair out for me?”

Harley laughed and slapped Ivy’s shoulder, “ya perve!”

Ivy grinned, “what?! This is like straight out of a fantasy, what about just looking over your glasses and winking at me?”

Harley snorted with laughter and Ivy couldn’t help but join in.

When Harley settled down she leaned in and whispered in Ivy’s ear, “maybe if you’re good I’ll give you something special during our next session, would you like that Pamela?”

After Harley said the words she nipped Ivy’s earlobe playfully and Ivy groaned in response, “holy shit.”

Harley giggled at Ivy’s words before pulling back and placing a soft kiss on Ivy’s cheek and jumping off the bed. Ivy watched as she exited the room before rolling over and slamming her face into the pillow. Ivy groaned into the soft material, why had she done that to herself? Now there was no way that Ivy was going to think of anything but Dr. Quinzel all day. 

* * *

“You called him your little buddy?!” Chuck clutched his stomach as his laughter got louder and Ivy just glared at him.

“I didn’t call him **my** little buddy… just **a** little buddy… shut up! This is why I didn’t want to do charming!”

Frank ignored Ivy’s outburst still chuckling as he continued to explain just how horrible Ivy’s effort to be charming was.

“Yeah and at that point Harley was like ‘fuck this’ and dragged Ivy away because she was acting so damn weird.”

At this Chuck sat up a little, “oh shit, what did you say?”

Ivy opened her mouth to answer but Frank cut her off, “she made up some lie.”

Ivy glared at the plant, “I did not lie. I told the truth… just not the whole truth.”

“So you lied.”

“Fuck you Frank, I didn’t lie. I told her that you told me I wasn’t a good girlfriend and that I was working on being more attentive, both of which are true statements, I just didn’t tell her that the reason I was doing it was to make her fall in love with me.”

“Right… like a liar.”

“I am not a liar! ALSO if it wasn’t for you two nitwit’s I wouldn’t have had to tell her that half-truth anyway. I told you I shouldn’t do charming.”

“Well Bayleaf’s got ya there F bomb, she did tell us that. But what happened after you told Harley that stuff?”

Ivy stuck her tongue out at Frank before answering, “She basically told me that she already thought I was charming and that I didn’t need to try to impress her crew because they already think I’m charming… except for Psycho, but you know… fuck that guy.”

“Fuck that guy!” Chuck held up his glass and both Ivy and Frank immediately tapped their glasses to his echoing his exclamation before taking a sip of their drinks.

“Okay so I’m gonna say that Brovy was successful on the charming front, I mean it only matters that Parsley thinks she’s charming right?”

“Brovy?”

“Yeah, like bro plus Ivy, brovy. Or if you prefer Bromela? It’s like bro plus-“

“No yeah I get it, please don’t ever call me Bromela again it sounds like a venereal disease.”

Chuck laughed and gave Ivy a thumbs up, “You got it bay leaf, brovy it is. So anyway we found out that Parsley thinks brovy is charming as is, I’d count that as a successful mission.”

“I don’t know if I’d call it successful but it was funny as fuck so yeah we can move on to the next one.”

Ivy groaned, “come on you can’t seriously want me to do this again after how horribly the last one went.”

“As the Chuckster so helpfully pointed out the charming mission was a success, it didn’t go exactly how we planned but it was successful, so we’re two for two at this point, why quit now?”

“Yeah Brovy, are you an AmeriCAN or an AmeriCAN’T?!”

“First, that’s the worst motivational phrase ever. Second, I was born in a small private hospital near the French Alps because even though my mother was eight months pregnant she didn’t want to miss out on the après-ski activities, so technically I’m neither.”

“I-“ Chuck frowned clearly disappointed that his patriotic call to action didn’t work.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a fucking baguette or a buttered roll, what matters is that you’re on track and you should keep it up. Plus the next one on the list shouldn’t be that hard for you.”

Ivy sighed she’d really hoped she’d thrown them off but no Frank had to stay on topic, the asshole. “okay fine, what’s the next one on the list anyway?”

Chuck handed the worn notebook page to her, “creativity, F bomb is right this one should be a breeze.”

“Right, so all you have to do is think of a kooky caper for you and Harley to go on and boom creativity done.”

Ivy frowned at Frank’s words, why would they need to go on more missions together? Whenever she had some CEO to hunt down Harley was always the first to volunteer to help her. Plus if you count all the times Ivy swooped in to save Harley when her schemes went haywire then they’d probably been on more missions together than they’d been on separately. Especially if you consider all the times Ivy showed up in the nick of time to save Harley from being used as bait by Joker, then yeah it would be safe to say they did a majority of their missions together.

“Wait what? That doesn’t make any sense, Harley and I go on missions together all the time, why would this be any different?"

“It’ll be different because how you plan it is going to be different. Think about it Ivy what’s your M.O. when it comes to crime?”

Ivy raised a questioning eyebrow, “um… fixing the environment?”

Frank shook his head, “that’s your goal.”

“Okay uh… eco-terrorism?”

“Nope, that’s the type of crime you do.”

“Fucking shit Frank I don’t know!”

“Your crime M.O. is research bad guy, destroy bad guy’s company, kill bad guy. Every. Single. Time.”

Ivy frowned, well if you put it that way sure it sounded a bit uninspired but who cared if it was unoriginal, it got the job done. She destroyed companies and killed CEO’s who messed with the environment, it was simple and it worked. Why add more unneeded complexity to the formula?

“Okay fine, I’ll admit that I have a bit of a routine when it comes to crime, but it works. And anyway I don’t see why I have to prove that I’m creative, I am creative. I’m a fucking scientist for Christ’s sake, I invent things, that’s my whole thing, I biochemically engineer whole new species of plants, how is that not creative?!”

Chuck nodded, “that’s true F bomb.”

Frank waved the response away dismissively, “You sit in your lab for hours, writing formulas, mixing chemicals and doing some other science shit and at the end of that you have a new flower. That’s the most boring way to be creative ever.”

Ivy glowered at the plant, he didn’t think her way of being creative was boring when she gave him sentience did he? Ungrateful little shit. Ivy opened her mouth to give Frank a piece of her mind when he continued.

“Meanwhile Joker-“

“Fuck that guy!”

Ivy stopped glaring at Frank for a minute to laugh and toast with Chuck, “fuck that guy!”

Frank shook his head but still echoed their chant before taking another sip of his drink.

“Right well, he is an asshole, we all agree on that, but you have to admit, his heists are rarely straight forward and Harley’s plans are just as convoluted as his are so that’s the kind of creativity we’re looking for. Crime creativity and also, what was the last plant you created in your lab anyway?”

“Are you implying that I’m slacking on my experiments?! I’ll have you know that just last month I created a unique strand of clinging vines that are as strong as steel but are light enough so as not to harm the structural integrity of the buildings they cling too. It’s perfect because they have the potential to add much needed greenery to cityscapes.”

Ivy smirked and took a slow sip of her beer, feeling very much like she’d won that exchange. She hadn’t.

“Right, and tell me Ivy why exactly haven’t you put those vines on every building in Gotham by now?”

Ivy nearly growled her response. “You know damn well why! Because they’re very vulnerable in their first few hours of life and fucking Batman keeps cutting them down before they become indestructible like a fucking asshole. And if I wanted to put them up I’d have to find a way to distract him, all of Gotham PD and the fucking Justice League all while also putting the vines up. And-“

“And you’re not creative enough to think of a plan?”

“What?! Fuck you, I never said that, I could think of a plan. I’m creative as fuck!” Frank looked unimpressed by her outburst.

“Riiight, and that’s why you haven’t done it already?”

Ivy scowled at the plant, “Fine you want a plan?! I’ll give you one! First, I’d distract all the ‘heroes’ of Gotham, which would be easiest if they were all in the same place because then I could trap them in the building somehow. But the only time that happened was when the Mayor had a banquet in honor of the Justice League and those vainglorious idiots all showed up….and uh…” Ivy furrowed her eyebrows in thought before something clicked and her eyes widened.

“AND! That’s exactly why I’ll use my pheromones on the Mayor and get him to throw another banquet for them. But I would still need to keep them from breaking out of the building and stopping me…” Ivy trailed off thinking of how she could do that. Frank handed her a paper and a pencil and Ivy put down her drink and started jotting down ideas.

“Okay if I can incorporate some psychotropic effects into my pheromones I could keep them inebriated and well… horny enough so they don’t just bust out. Then I’d have to get all the vines up quickly all around the city because once I do it the first time they won’t just let me do it again. So I’d probably need to grow them partially then hand them off to Harley and her crew with some of the growth fertilizer-“

Ivy stopped midsentence realizing that she’d basically just come up with exactly the kind of crazy plan that Frank had been fishing for just to spite him. Frank smiled at her but said nothing.

“... okay fine I’ll do the stupid plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, as much as Ivy protested, I was really tempted to have her use cheesy pick up lines bc that shit would have been hilarious, though I do feel like that's more of a Harley move.   
> Second, I cackled as I pictured Ivy creepy staring at Psycho and calling him a little buddy. 
> 
> Lastly, I was writing one of the later chapters, and remember how I said there wasn't a lot of angst? Yeah well, I was ugly crying as I was typing.... ssssh I'm sensitive, lol.


	8. (M) The Dalliance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I know you're expecting the mission in this chapter but you're gonna have to wait a little bit for that one because:   
> We now interrupt your regularly scheduled antics for... some sexy times.
> 
> lol, this chap is definitely M rated, maybe E? I honestly don't know what the difference is between the two ratings, but M is lower than E right? Anyway, point is there's some sexiness, so if that is not your cup of tea you can skip the last section, tbh the first section has a little bit too but not as much.

The Dalliance

“Okay, one more shot and then we’re heading to the dance floor.”

Harley whooped at Ivy’s words, “Hell yeah! I’m gonna grind up on ya so hard Ives.”

Ivy stared at Harley for a moment a flush coloring her cheeks before she held up two fingers, “okay two more shots then we head to the dance floor.”

Harley chuckled and bent over the bar calling out to the bartender, “hey barkeep give me an’ my lady four shots of tequila wouldja?”

Harley slapped some cash on the bar and turned back to Ivy, circling her arms around Ivy’s neck as she bopped her head to the song that was playing. Ivy played the dutiful girlfriend and wrapped her arms around Harley’s waist as they waited for their shots. Harley was honestly surprised at how well this whole fake dating thing was going. Not because she thought the plan wouldn’t work, she knew it would, Joker was scared shitless of Ivy and there was no way he’d make a move on Harley now. No, what surprised her wasn’t Joker’s reaction to their dating, what surprised her was how well Ivy was taking it all.

It was about three weeks into their arrangement and as promised Ivy went out with Harley on a weekly basis, which for the introverted woman in front of her was a lot. Aside from that she’d allowed Harley an abundance of physical affection in front of her crew and in public, after the first couple of days Ivy had abandoned the limit she’d bargained for on the kisses, not bothering to count anymore, the only bit she shied away from was the making out. They’d kissed, a lot, and Ivy’s kisses were hot as fuck, but when things got too heated Ivy pulled away. Harley couldn’t blame her, Ivy was not one for PDA and making out in public was probably too much to ask for, but still there had been many a time when their kisses left Harley wanting more. A lot more.

“Here you are ladies, the salt’s on the counter, enjoy.”

Ivy and Harley turned to the bar at the barkeep’s words and they each sprinkled salt between their thumb and forefingers before picking up their shot glasses.

“To grindin’ up on my hot hot girlfriend,” Harley held up her glass as she said the words and Ivy chuckled, shaking her head as she tapped her glass to Harley’s. They licked the salt from their hands, took the shot, and shoved a lime wedge in their mouths.

Ivy neatly placed her lime wedge inside the now empty shot glass and turned to Harley. Harley grinned at the other woman as an idea popped into her head.

Ivy raised an eyebrow at her, “I don’t like that look, that look usually leads to bad things. Stop giving me that look.” Ivy pointed an accusing finger at Harley and Harley grinned wider. Ivy sighed, “god damn it, what?”

Harley shrugged, “I was just wonderin’ if ya ever took a body shot before.”

Ivy scowled, “I have, and I know what you’re thinking, the answer is I will absolutely not take a body shot with you right now.”

Harley feigned innocence, “I wasn’t thinkin’ that! … though now that ya bring it up…”

“No.”

“Aww come on Red, it’ll be fun.”

“If you honestly think I’m going to lay down somewhere in this bar and let you suck tequila out of my belly button you’ve lost your damn mind.”

“I mean, I lost it a while ago, but please?”

“No.”

“Okay, okay, okay, what if we just do the salt and lime, no layin’ down necessary.”

“Also no.”

“Please? I’ll do the dishes again.” Ivy seemed to consider this for a moment and Harley decided to sweeten the pot, “for a week, and I’ll clean up after myself and my crew.”

“So what you’re saying is if I let you lick salt off of my neck and take a lime from my mouth you’ll do the dishes for the week and keep my apartment clean?” Well when she said it that way it sounded ridiculous, still as Harley eyed Ivy’s long slender neck she couldn’t help but feel like she was getting the deal of a lifetime.

Harley nodded, “yep.”

Ivy shrugged, “okay, seems like a lot of work for something that will take all of two seconds to do, but if that’s what you want who am I to argue with my wonderful girlfriend. Just let me take my shot first, I don’t want to leave it on the bar while we’re not paying attention.”

Harley gestured for Ivy to take the shot watching the process closely, damn Ivy was hot. When Ivy pushed her lime into the glass she turned back to Harley.

“Okay, let’s do it perve.” Harley chuckled and slapped Ivy’s arm.

“Look who’s talkin’ Miss. ‘Dr. Quinzel you’re so sexy, please shake your tits for me.’”

Ivy flushed, “Okay first of all, I never said sexy, I said hot. Secondly I said hair not tits.”

Harley waved a dismissive hand at that, “Sexy an’ hot are the same, an’ ya said hair but I know what ya meant.” Harley sent an exaggerated wink Ivy’s way and Ivy just shook her head in amusement.

“Yeah, yeah, come on do your shot already I want to dance.” Harley saluted Ivy before leaning forward, Ivy pulled away an amused smirk on her face. “A little eager huh? You forgot to put the salt on my neck.”

Harley chuckled, “One, I’m super fuckin’ eager, ‘cause like I’ve said a thousand times before, you’re hot as shit Ives. Two, how am I supposta get the salt to stick to your neck if it’s dry? I’ll just end up pourin’ salt down your shirt, an’ I don’t know bout you but salty tits don’t sound comfortable.” 

A burst of laughter fell from Ivy’s lips, “salty tits sounds like a really horrible porn star name.”

Harley giggled, “Inspect Her Gadget starrin’ the incomparable Salty Tits.”

Ivy laughed harder and Harley couldn’t help but join in, tears rolled down her cheeks and Ivy handed her a cocktail napkin as she took one for herself. They wiped their eyes but as soon as they made eye contact they fell into another fit of giggles. It was several moments more before they were able to compose themselves and Ivy waved Harley forward. Harley leaned towards Ivy’s neck, she wanted to do the body shot, she really did, but she couldn’t help herself.

Harley whispered in Ivy’s ear as seductively as she could, “Salty Tits.”

Ivy’s head fell forward as a guffaw of laughter burst from her lips, “oh my god you need to stop or I’m going to piss myself.”

Harley cackled at that, “okay, okay, I’m sorry, but that shit is funny.”

When Harley pulled her head away a bit to look at Ivy, Ivy had a soft smile on her face and a twinkle of joy in her eyes. Harley joked a lot about how hot Ivy was, but the truth of the matter was that Ivy was absolutely breathtaking, especially when she looked genuinely happy like she did at that moment. Harley brought her hand up to gently stroke Ivy’s strong jaw, something shifted in Ivy’s gaze at the caress and Harley felt her breath catch.

“Harls,” Ivy’s voice wasn’t reprimanding, or warning, it was breathy with a hint of desire and that’s all Harley needed to push forward.

Harley moved her hand from Ivy’s jaw to her neck and pulled her down as she pushed up to press their lips together. Ivy wrapped her arms around Harley’s waist and pulled her closer as their kiss deepened. There was something in the way Ivy kissed her that made Harley’s nerves jump to her skin and send tingles through her body. It was as if Ivy’s lips sent jolts of electricity through Harley’s body and no neuron was safe from the current of pleasure that Ivy provided. Harley had never before felt so turned on by the simple press of someone’s lips on hers, and when Ivy pulled away with gasping breaths Harley felt a new thunder roll through her stomach.

Harley kissed from Ivy’s jaw to her neck stopping there to suck the soft green flesh into her mouth. Ivy tried to stifle a moan but Harley heard it and it only spurred her on, she nibbled on the skin at the crook of Ivy’s neck before swiping a soothing tongue over it. She felt the strong muscles jump at each caress as if begging for more, and Harley could not deny them. When a soft, husky ‘fuck’ left Ivy’s lips Harley knew she had to stop, she had to stop because if she didn’t she’d push Ivy against the bar and have her way with Ivy right then and there.

Harley took a deep breath, placing one last soft kiss on Ivy’s neck before pulling back. She didn’t look at Ivy’s face when she pulled back because if she did she knew she would kiss her all over again. Instead she grabbed the salt shaker and the lime from the bar, she tapped some salt onto Ivy’s neck before finally turning to face Ivy, lime in hand. Ivy looked as turned on as Harley felt and Harley had to force herself not to slam their lips together again. Harley placed the lime wedge in Ivy’s mouth and leaned down to lick the salt off her neck, lingering a second longer than necessary before taking her shot and pulling the lime out of Ivy’s mouth with her teeth.

When Harley turned back to the bar she placed her lime inside of the shot glass, taking a moment to breathe before turning back to Ivy with a carefully placed bright smile on her face, “ya ready to dance hot stuff?”

To Harley’s surprise when Ivy grabbed her hand she didn’t pull her to the dance floor, instead she pulled her to the back of the club, sliding into a booth in the corner and pulling Harley on top of her. Harley might have questioned her if Ivy hadn’t immediately latched her lips onto Harley’s neck. Harley groaned, her hands flying up to grasp Ivy’s head, holding her there as Ivy sent wonderful sensations up Harley’s neck. With each flick of Ivy’s long tongue, each scrape of Ivy’s teeth, each press of Ivy’s talented lips, Harley felt herself ache with desire.

Without conscious thought Harley rocked her hips forward, her soaked center desperate for relief. When Ivy placed firm hands on Harley’s hips, Harley worried for a moment that she might push her away, but instead Ivy pulled her closer, grinding Harley’s hips down more firmly. A moan fell from Harley’s lips at the wonderful pressure and Ivy slammed her lips to Harley’s swallowing the desperate whimpers that dripped from Harley’s lips.

Harley kept her rhythm up as Ivy caressed her thighs, her strong fingers gripping and stroking over the exposed skin, getting so close to where Harley needed her, but never close enough. Harley was wild with need and she wanted to rip her lips away from Ivy’s and tell Ivy to just fuck her, but she knew that wouldn’t go over well. Instead she adjusted her hips, angling them just so as she pushed down, the adjustment caused Ivy’s fingers to push just a little bit under the hem of Harley’s shorts. But a little bit was enough because Harley knew they were soaked through, Harley felt Ivy gasp against her lips and Harley ground down harder. Ivy’s fingers pushed more fully under the shorts and just as her wonderful finger slid so perfectly against her core they heard someone clearing their throat loudly behind them.

Harley had murdered a lot of people in her lifetime, a lot, but she had never before felt such a strong desire to do so until that very moment. Ivy pulled her hands away, burying her head against Harley’s shoulder, clearly mortified by the events, and Harley felt rage pump inside of her.

Harley turned and practically growled at the intruder, “What the fuck do you want?!”

The man jumped back clearly terrified of Harley’s rage, “oh… uh… sorry… um… it’s just… this is the V.I.P section… my boss says you have to buy a bottle to sit here.” Harley continued to glare at the trembling man, “… um… you know what? I’ll give you guys a moment.” With that the man practically ran away and Harley only half considered running after him and smashing his head into a wall repeatedly. Harley turned back to Ivy, but the clear embarrassment on her face told Harley that the moment was lost. Harley wanted to scream but the jumping of Ivy’s leg, the nervous way that Ivy pulled her lower lip between her teeth, the uneasiness that drifted off of her in waves, made Harley soften.

Harley placed a soft kiss on Ivy’s forehead, “do ya wanna go home an’ order a pizza?” Ivy looked up at her almost guiltily and Harley smiled gently at her, “it’s okay Pammy.”

Ivy hesitated a moment before nodding and Harley climbed off her lap and held a hand out to her. Harley was horny beyond belief but Ivy was uncomfortable and there was nothing in this world that was more important to Harley than Ivy. She just needed to take a really cold shower before she got that pizza.

* * *

­­­“I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it, ya like to-“ ** _Harley._**

“Ah!” Harley put her hands over her breasts and spun around in the shower with lightning speed. “Oh for fucks sake, what’re ya doin’ here?!” **_We need to talk._**

“No the fuck we don’t. Don’t ya know how to give a lady privacy?! I’m in the shower for god’s sakes!” Harleen sighed. **_I’m aware of that bu-_**

“Hey! Eyes up doc, no lookin’ at my junk!” Harleen rolled her eyes. **_First, I’m you, I’ve seen it all before Harley, second, stop yelling, the music is loud enough that Ivy probably won’t hear but still, lower your damn voice._**

“My junk is different from your junk, mine’s cuter.” Harleen sent Harley a puzzled look. **_How on earth could that be possible? We have the exact same body._**

“Yeah, but mine’s got a cute lil hair cut an’ a dye job, so it’s different smart ass.” **_You know what? Fine, it’s cuter than mine, that’s so not what I’m here to talk to you about._**

Harley smirked, “Ya damn right it is, an’ I don’t care what you’re here to talk to me about. So take a hike sister!” **_Harley if you don’t talk to me I’m just going to keep popping up everywhere until you do._**

Harley groaned, “God damn it, why are ya so damn stubborn?” **_Because I’m you._**

“Alright fine, what are ya gonna complain about now? Is it ‘cause I didn’t go home for cousin Jessie’s Bat Mitzvah? She’s fine, I sent her a scratch off an’ a six pack.” **_You mailed a thirteen year old a six pack? How did you even get them to ship that?_**

“They’ll ship anythin’ if ya strap a bomb to their chest, an’ yeah what’s wrong with that? It’s the same gift Uncle Jimmy gave to us for ours.” **_Oh yeah, I forgot about that. We got so trashed._**

Harley chuckled, “yeah an’ we threw up all over the Rabbi’s shoes.” Harleen laughed. **_He was pissed! And remember when… hey stop distracting me this isn’t what I wanted to talk about._**

Harley groaned, “fine, just spit it out already, my tits are gettin’ pruney.” **_That’s not- you know what, I’m not even going to go there. We need to talk about Ivy._**

“Oh for fucks sake, will ya quit it with that already? I’m doin’ the fake relationship thing and there ain’t nothin’ you can do about it.” **_Is it fake? It sure didn’t feel like it was earlier._**

Harley glared at Harleen, “You were spyin’ on us at the bar? That’s fucked up!” **_I wasn’t spying on you Harley, for what must be the trillionth time now, I AM YOU. Everything you experience I experience. You dumbass._**

Harley blushed, “everythin’? … even that time with… with the pillow?” Harleen’s cheeks colored as well as she nodded. **_Yes, even that time with the pillow._**

Harley’s whole body flushed pink at the memory. It had been about three months into her latest stint at Arkham and it was just after the first time she’d ‘accidentally’ caught a glimpse of Ivy in the shower. She’d known before then that Ivy was attractive, of course she had, but seeing her in the buff, her body glistening from the water? That had made Harley’s libido work double time and later that evening when Ivy left Harley’s cell to go to sleep Harley had shoved her face into the pillow inhaling Ivy’s scent before… well before humping the shit out of the pillow until she came.

It hadn’t been one of Harley’s prouder moments, and while she had continued to occasionally masturbate to the thought of her red haired best friend she had refused to let herself hump her pillow like a teenager in heat again. I mean, a girl had to have standards.

Harley cleared her throat, “… well that’s embarrassin’…” A moment of uncomfortable silence passed between them before Harleen coughed. **_Right, well, anyway, back to you and Ivy._**

Harley groaned, “why ya gotta rain on my parade doc? Me an’ Ives made out an’ I humped her in the back of a club. Nothin’ else happened, an’ AN’ even if it did there’s such a thing as friends with benefits ya know?” Harleen sighed in exasperation. **_The whole point of friends with benefits is you don’t have a relationship with the person, you’re having a fake relationship with her, if you add sex to that what separates it from a real relationship?_**

Harley opened her mouth to answer then snapped it shut. **_Exactly, and while we’re on this point, do you honestly think you could have sex with Ivy and not have feelings for her?_**

Harley rolled her eyes, “I’ve had casual sex before Harleen, it’s not like I automatically fall in love with everyone I bone.” **_No, I know that, I meant with Ivy specifically. She means too much to you… to us… you’re going to get your heart broken Harley._**

“What if I don’t though?” Harleen opened her mouth to object but Harley rushed to continue. “Look, I’m not sayin’ I agree with ya, I don’t think I’ll catch feelin’s that quick, but if I did, why would it be so bad? Think about it doc, if ya had to fall in love with anyone in the world, who would ya choose? An’ don’t bullshit me.”

Harleen sighed. **_Ivy. But that’s exactly the problem._** Harley threw her hands up in the air clearly annoyed with Harleen’s answer before she realized what she was doing and quickly covered up her breasts again.

“No peekin’!” **_Harley we have the same breasts!_**

“No we don’t mine ar-“ **_Cuter, yes I know. Fine, look the issue isn’t Ivy, not exactly. It’s us._**

Harley furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, “are ya tryin’ to give me some weird version of the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ break up line?” **_No that’s- No. What I mean is, when we fall in love, we fall in love hard. It’s overpowering, obsessive and every single time it’s happened we’ve gotten more than just our hearts broken._**

Harley sighed, she had a point. They didn’t have a great track record when it came to relationships. Harley had a knack for finding the absolute worst person to fall in love with and then immediately falling in love with them. Abusers, thieves, addicts, amateur DJs, sociopathic narcissistic clowns, she’d been with them all, and she was always worse for wear afterwards. But Ivy was different, Ivy was the type of person she should fall in love with, the exact person she would’ve fallen in love with all those years ago if it wasn’t for her shitty decision making skills.

“Ivy’s different.” **_What if she’s not?_** Harley moved to object but Harleen held a hand up. **_Look I want to believe she is, I really do, but we can’t risk it. The last time we fell in love, we gave up a career that we worked ridiculously hard to get, we permanently changed the way we look and we almost died, a lot._**

“Yeah, but half the times we didn’t die was ‘cause of Ivy comin’ to save us, so why would she suddenly turn all murdery on us?” **_Love makes people different Harley, you know that’s true and Ivy even said herself that she has a bad track record with relationships. What if we fall in love and she just ignores us the way she did with all the others?_**

“First, she said she was tryin’ to work on bein’ a better girlfriend, so give her some damn credit. Second, we’re not like the others, Ivy likes us, like a lot. Like we’re one of the only actual human people that she likes, ‘cept for maybe Selina.” **_I want to believe that that’s true Harley, but we can’t risk it. If we fall in love we leave ourselves open for abuse, anyone has the potential to betray you Harley, anyone. Even Ivy._**

Harley opened her mouth to rebuff Harleen but a knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

“Hey, are you okay in there? You’ve been in the shower for a really long time… shit you didn’t pass out in the shower did you? Harley?!”

Harley called back, “no, no I’m fine Red, I’ll be out in a few, I just got all wrapped up in my singin’ shower time like usual.”

Ivy sounded relieved, “Oh okay, good, well hurry up the pizza’s getting cold.”

Harley turned back to the reflection but Harleen was gone. Harley sighed, she was wrong. If there was one thing in the world Harley knew to be absolutely true it was that Ivy would never hurt her. Harleen was wrong, Harley was sure of it, wasn’t she?

* * *

Harley woke up with a start, she’d just been having the most wonderful dream starring the beautiful red head sleeping beside her in a less than innocent situation, but just as the dream was getting to the good part Harley’s stupid subconscious thought it was a perfect time for dream her to randomly fall off a cliff. God why was her brain was such a fucking cockblock?

Harley shifted uncomfortably, the dream might have been fake but the ache between her legs was very real. She’d been horny as fuck ever since the club, and while she had originally intended to take care of her problem in the shower, Harleen had interrupted her before she’d had the chance. Now, her body was reminding her just how much she needed that release.

Normally Harley would just sneak out of the room and lock herself in the bathroom for some ‘special Harley time’. But Harley had insisted on watching another scary movie then, had insisted that Ivy cuddle with her because she was scared and now Ivy had her arms latched firmly around Harley’s waist. There was no way she was moving without waking the other woman and if she woke Ivy then Ivy would be suspicious if Harley didn’t insist that Ivy walk her to the bathroom and wait outside the door until she finished before walking her back to bed, like she normally did after watching a scary movie.

Despite her predicament Harley couldn’t help but smile a bit at that, Ivy truly was a saint to deal with all the nonsense that Harley asked of her. Which was one of the many reasons why Harley knew that Harleen was full of shit earlier, there’s no way in hell Ivy would ever hurt her. At this very moment in time however, Harley did not want to think about that very serious conversation she’d had earlier, what she wanted to do was figure out how the fuck she was going to masturbate without Ivy noticing.

At that moment Ivy shifted in her sleep, her body snuggling closer to Harley’s back, her hand moving just under the hem of Harley’s shirt resting lightly on her flushed abdomen, and her mouth releasing something that sounded like a mix between a gasp and a moan. Harley’s hand instinctively shoved into her pajama pants, she honestly hadn’t realized she’d done it until her fingertips met the wet slick heat of her core.

Harley bit her lip as she stilled her hand. She couldn’t do this, could she? But she would, she’d had such a tenuous grip on her self-control before, and now with Ivy’s body pressed firmly to hers, her hand resting on Harley’s stomach, that fucking moan that left her mouth? Harley couldn’t resist. Ivy slept like the dead anyway, Harley reasoned, and if Harley could just stay quiet then Ivy would be none the wiser. Harley shot a look over her shoulder, confirming that Ivy was indeed still asleep then Harley turned around, closed her eyes, bit her lip and shoved her hand further into her wetness.

Harley had to swallow a whimper as she circled her sensitive clit with her finger, her hips bucking against her hand of their own volition. Harley was so turned on that she knew she wouldn’t last very long, all she had to do was- Harley froze, there was a gasp that filled the air of the room but it hadn’t come from her lips and the short breaths that hit the back of Harley’s neck confirmed what she knew to be true, Ivy had woken up. Harley cast a tentative glance over her shoulder, but Ivy wasn’t looking at her, well she was, but her gaze was fixed firmly lower, staring at Harley’s hand now shoved in her pants.

Harley bit her lip, should she continue? Ivy didn’t look mad, in fact Ivy looked turned on and that thought made Harley turn her head into her pillow to stifle her moan. Ivy’s hand unconsciously gripped Harley’s waist tighter at the sound and Harley couldn’t take it anymore, she shoved two fingers inside herself, but the angle was uncomfortable, her hand couldn’t move like she needed it to and just as she was about to remove her fingers to focus on her clit she felt Ivy’s other hand ghost up her thigh pushing just slightly, not forcing, but suggesting, and Harley ran with it.

Harley spread her legs and groaned as her fingers curved up to hit just the right spot. Harley started a slow rhythm, the wet sounds of her desire echoing through the silent room. Harley felt Ivy’s cool hand inch up her shirt further only to stutter in its movement and halt, uncertain. Harley was too damn horny to deal with Ivy’s shyness in a gentler manner and she used her other hand to push Ivy’s up her shirt until it cupped her breast.

Ivy gasped at the action and she squeezed Harley’s breast tentatively, but when Harley moaned in response it was as if something snapped in Ivy and all of her hesitation was gone. All at once Ivy started kissing and sucking on Harley’s neck as her talented fingers danced across her breasts, squeezing and rolling her nipples between her fingers.

“Fuck,” the world left Harley’s mouth unbidden, she hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t meant to break the silence of the room and she worried for a moment that her curse had broken the spell that they were under. She soon found that her worries were unfounded because moments later Ivy’s other hand rushed up Harley’s shirt and she started teasing both of Harley’s breasts at the same time. It was all Harley needed and she felt her pussy clench around her fingers as she shivered with the force of her orgasm.

Ivy either hadn’t noticed that Harley came, or didn’t care because her ministrations didn’t stop, and Harley was more than happy to go for round two. But Harley didn’t want to make the trip alone, so in a move that was perhaps a bit too bold, Harley spread her legs wider, her thigh coming up to firmly press against Ivy’s center. She stilled for a moment, gauging Ivy’s reaction, and Ivy let out a stuttered breath before she rolled her hips against Harley’s thigh.

The wetness that soaked through the two thin barriers between them spurred Harley on, Ivy was turned on, really turned on, and it was because of her. The thought made a new rush of arousal run through Harley, but she slowed her motions, not wanting to cum as quickly this time, wanting to savor the feel of Ivy’s wet pussy against her, even if it was covered by her stupid flannel pajamas. What Harley really wanted was to shove her hand down Ivy’s pants and fuck her to oblivion, but Harley didn’t want to pull Ivy out of the moment, she worried that this fragile thing they were sharing would shatter with just one misstep.

Ivy was apparently not thinking as much as Harley was about all of this because her hips were rolling at a breakneck speed, and her arousal was flowing out of her like a levee that’d just broken. Harley heard the shuddering moans that left Ivy’s mouth and knew the other woman was close, so Harley sped up her thrusts pushing her thumb against her clit in hopes to finish at the same time. A few short moments later Ivy’s body went stiff, her hands clenching tightly around Harley’s breasts, a guttural moan ripping through her and at the lewd display Harley couldn’t help but tumble after, her own orgasm tearing through her with unexpected strength.

Moments later when they lay gasping for breath, coming down from their high, Harley couldn’t help but think of her earlier conversation with Harleen; maybe there was something to her suggestion that Harley couldn’t have sex with Ivy without developing feelings, and while that thought terrified her, Harley couldn’t help but enjoy being wrong in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you all for reading, commenting and kudoing. I appreciate it. 
> 
> Also.... salty tits...
> 
> Ha! that is all


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